Character Development

Over Yonder

2006-11-16T14:51:00.000-06:00

We always wonder what is over yonder.
When I say we I mean the curious ones, and when I say the curious ones I mean most humans.
We always think the grass is greener on the other side.
When I say we, I once again am referring to the general population
most people
us
the proletariat
los gentes
human.

I was thinking about making a break from the past.
I think that each new moment is a break from the past,
I think that's what makes the present so exciting. It ain't the future and it most definitely ain't the past.
So today, only five posts away from 300, I am starting a new blog in a new space.

visit often
ponder wisely
make a break from the past

Brand New

2006-11-14T15:10:00.000-06:00

I don't really want to steal, i want to innovate..

Things of Little Interest

2006-11-14T14:04:00.000-06:00

I am very interested in the Everyman character. Who wouldn't be? He is just like you or me.
We can all relate to the Everyman, especially when he is down.
But what's great about that is that we can also revel when he is triumphant.
We can all feel like we were in his corner. It was as if we won the battle side by side.
We built that pyramid together and sailed that vast blue sea, we buttressed the cathedral together
and we forged a living document that keeps us all safe and free. Or so we say.

We wrote the laws, and conquered the uncivilized, and forged new alliances, and burned old bridges, and blazed new trails, and planted the crops year after year, until we got some other man to do it for us, and together we learned from our mistakes, and yet we continue to make new mistakes and some of the old ones again and again. We all have that thing in common, suffering, that makes us all human, and sometimes there is a character that sort of brilliantly distills the elements of being human like a prism distills the colors of light.

We relate to the Everyman in a way that makes us all want to hear his story and watch his movie and buy his books and collect his action figures and play his video game. His or her of course.

Sometimes the Everyman is blessed with what would seem like poor luck. But things are not always as they seem because the things that seemed unfortunate early on serve to shape and define a character as one of us.
The race of man.
And it is a race, let me tell you. Betta keep ya boots laced if you wanna keep pace.
The Everyman is not afraid to run the race. Either from courage or ignorance.
The Everyman rarely comes from wealth or privilege. The Everyman is often strapped with the burden of poverty or afflicted with a mental or physical challenge right from the start.
That gives the Everyman the determination.

Pandimentional

2006-11-14T10:06:00.000-06:00

I was thinking about a character.
How about a pandimentional sad sack type character
who is not very lucky
and is living lives throughout time
over and over?
Constantly being reborn in another time.
The lifeforce that is the character will be killed at the end of each episode.

What audience would this character appeal to?

Primordial Soup
Universal experience
Things change but the essence stays the same.

Bear with me, I'm working through ideas.
Some of these ideas were stolen,
aren't most good, seemingly new ideas just built upon the ideas of those that went before us?
There is nothing new under the sun.

I am thinking about creating a new space for all this foolishness.
This place is so stale and musty.
Smells like moth balls in here.

Gasping

2006-11-13T13:20:00.000-06:00

Almost thee month without a post.
It seems I've forgotten how to write.
Luckily I haven't forgotten how to live.
I am still on a big kick of breathing
In
and
Out
everyday.

Sometimes I think about writing.
I might think about a story that I would like to tell.
Or a process I would like to elucidate.
Or a series of events I would like to describe.
But I don't do it, and thinking about that now makes me cringe.

Time Keeps On Ticking

2006-08-15T15:33:00.000-05:00

Here at the end of time, I just wanna kick back and enjoy the feeling of existing.
Is that so wrong?
Some would call me lazy.
I would call myself profoundly lazy.
Even though, physically I am quite fit.

Oversized

2006-08-04T13:49:00.000-05:00

I would like to buy the world a Coke,
and furnish it with Love.
But I really only have the wherewithal and the energy to maintain my own health and sanity and that of the loved ones around me. And most of the time I can't really do anything for them but encourage. It's a hard-knocks life. And aspirations that totally outsize your skill and/or ability are an unfortunate drain on your lifeforce.
I would like to create a gun that shoots peace.
Peace of mind, peace of land, peace of meat.
Maybe something that created a sonic boom of peace, and security, and liberty.
I really think that would be wicked righteous.
But I think I'll prolly just keep eating right and feeling well so I can dole out swell vibes to the lives that I come in contact with
and use less
and smile
and treat folks like I want to be treated.

but not too heavy handed

Advise

2006-07-26T15:01:00.000-05:00

Smile.
Try to stay balanced.
Fuck the haterz.
Wash your hands.
Be persistent.

Sometimes...

2006-07-21T16:02:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I am filled with murderous rage.
Especially when dealing with the management company ot my apartment.

Pest Problems

2006-07-20T12:11:00.000-05:00

***Here is the letter that I sent to my apartment management reguarding my pest problems.
I thought ya'll might like it.
I could be wrong.***

To Whom It May Concern:
This is a letter to inform you of the great inconvenience that I have been subjected to in my apartment as of late. The rodent in the wall troubles began sometime in Late May or early June. I can hear the scurrying of rats, squirrels or some kind of pest very loudly in the ceiling of my bedroom.
There is a space in the ceiling above my bed that is beveled and in this space a number of animals are living their lives, at night, while I am trying to sleep. They are mostly quiet during the day. I think that maintenance came to check during business hours, but they couldn’t hear because they are nocturnal animals. I have resorted to wearing earplugs, but the noises are often so loud that I get only marginally decent sleep. This is disrupting my work. I am not sleeping very well at all with the constant scratching at night.
It often sounds like thumper or an old hound-dog scratching his ear with his hind leg.

When I reported the problem, I understand, that steps were taken to rectify the situation.
For whatever reason, the problem persists.
It is June 25th, and this very afternoon I have heard the movement of pests in the ceiling directly above my sleeping quarters. In the attempts to get rid of the pests, one or some must have died within the walls. This has created a stench of death and decay that has persisted for more than a week now. I have eaten many more meals out than I usually do and I have run my AC with the windows open to cope with the stench.

Please keep these circumstances in mind when considering the discount for next months rent. I think that a discount of one half is adequate for a problem that has been addressed with failed results and abandoned for the time being. I have been happy with the service of Claire and Rainier management. I understand the steps have been taken, but the problem remains mine to deal with and I think it devalues the property. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Matthew Rampage

Apocalypse

2006-07-18T15:27:00.000-05:00

I am going to be really disappointed if I don't see some version of an apocalypse in my lifetime.
I mean, all those apocalyptic visions gone to waste.
That would be a shame.

I am relying on the ineptitude and general shifty ways of the administration to come through for me.
Oh
and the hate, that people have, for other people.

come on war, come on famine, come on asteroid, where is thy sting?

It Would Seem

2006-07-18T15:04:00.000-05:00

It would seem that I had fallen off the face of the earth.
Up seems up here on terra firma but when you consider the cosmos it's really out.
It would seem that I don't care about blogging anymore.
I'm really just feeling the weight of myspace. That's not to say that I am participating, for in truth I am obstaining.
It would seem that my writing ambitions have gone down the toilet.
Not true my friends, I have been very actively working on paintings and drawings and when one of those activities blossom the other are bound by experience to suffer.
I could alter that but it would take an act of will that I will not possess until fall of 2008, or thereabouts.

It would seem that there are critters living in the walls and ceiling of my apartment.
This is true and I will post the letter of objection which I submitted to my apartment management for a discount of one half in Julys's rent. It was literary brilliance.
I say critters because I'm not sure of the exact genus and species of the pests living out their lives in the walls and ceilings of my apartment, but they chatter, and become more active at night.
That's not to say that I can't hear them during the day, because I can. They are however more active at night, while I am trying to sleep. I have used the voice recorder on my new mobile phone to record the chatterings.
I plan to go to the office of the apartment manager, this very day, and play the sounds for her for an update on the situation.

It would seem that the big things are the things that one should be patient about.
Family, career, relationships, long term desires etc.
What good does it do, to not mind waiting for the check, when the thought of your own career advancement makes you pace a rut in the wooden floor.
It would seem that patience is a virtue and that some are more virtuous than others.

It would seem that you should constantly be removing obstacles and lessening desires and getting rid of stuff.
Or else you'll get all weighed down.

Possibilities

2006-07-13T14:38:00.000-05:00

I am considering blogging again.
Don't get too excited.
It ain't happened yet.

30

2006-04-18T14:32:00.001-05:00

Here I come.

War Criminal

2006-04-18T14:32:00.000-05:00

George Bush is a war criminal and everything is going to shit under his watch.

White People

2006-04-18T14:31:00.000-05:00

Why do white people have such a weak family structure?
At least compared to Latinos.

Plain As Day

2006-03-29T16:11:00.000-06:00

I have been coming in chronically under potential all my days.
I think I am afraid of success. Success don't jibe with my system of stress management.
The teachers used to always tell me that I wasn't working up to my potential.
Yeah
No Shit?
If I work up to my potential then folks is going to expect too much of me.
I am blooming at my own pace.
Don't wanna come out of the gates too fast.
Might blow a hammy.

The war in Iraq was a mistake and I think it assures our downfall as the dominant city state of the world.

People will try to put it on you if you let them.

Jessica and Nick were a bad match to begin with but the pressures of celebrity and the scrutiny of the MTV cameras would make dern near any marriage fail.

The End is Nigh, so I am really trying to enjoy myself.

How do you paint a picture of ambition?

Character Flaw #63

2006-03-28T13:25:00.000-06:00

I am a bad speller.

Character Flaw #9

2006-03-28T09:34:00.000-06:00

Too self-absorbed.

Thirty

2006-03-28T08:26:00.000-06:00

In about a months time I'm gonna be thirty years old and I am so fuckin' psyched.
I have traditionally had a bad attitude about birthdays and the celebrations thereof.
But this year I feel like its really an achievement.

So there's gonna be a party.

I mean.... Can you believe it? Me. Thirty. Hells YES.
Now I don't wanna jinx myself. I'm not there yet. I'm being careful. I'm takin er easy.
I'm gonna make it.

When I was a very young human, the outlook was bleak as far as how old I might become in this lifetime.
You see, I was a very rambunctious child. And I was a reckless teen. And a wild young adult.
But alas, no amount of recreational drug, nor knock on the head, nor shattered glass to the face, has been able to stop my progress a a sentient, living, breathing, eating, sleeping, fucking human.
Hizzah.

In other news, I think I am going to start writing about entertainment and current events. It seems to me all of the sudden that I have been terribly self absorbed both in this blog and in life so I'm thinking of branching out and touching topics that touch all our lives.

Like sectarian violence, or the troubles that have befallen the cop from the Village People,
how tragically ironic.

30woohoo

Character Flaw #18

2006-03-27T16:07:00.000-06:00

I am what some people would call a "serial opportunist."
Which I think is means that I am disloyal.

Stay Current

2006-03-27T16:05:00.000-06:00

Well
Looks like
if I'm gonna stay in vogue
I better get a myspace page.

Jeez I hate it when I fold for the latest fashion.

and

If Ezra ever reads this
I think "Make Me Eggs" rocks.

Character Flaw #13

2006-03-24T14:42:00.000-06:00

I have what they call an addictive personality.

Tide Pools

2006-03-23T09:09:00.000-06:00

Oh the ebb and flow of emotion.
How I do love those towering peaks of manic madness.
And oh how I relish those deepest darkest chasms of self loathing stew.

I swing both ways I have to say.

I am still having trouble finding the right shoes. I bought a nice pair of New Balance trail running shoes. The 809's to be exact. New Balance are great cause they come in all those handy widths. But this time I think I went too wide. They felt perfect in the store, and the left one is gonna work out fine, but the right one feels a tad too large. I can kinda compensate with the laces but I think I may cinch them up so much that they can't go any tighter, ya feel me? And I can't believe how different my two feet are from one another. The left one is all bulbous on the top and the right one is kinda flat. But the right one spreads farther out yonder than does the left one. I'm not giving up on this pair. I think I can mold them in place.
I was looking on the interwebnets to find some expert advice on the 'breaking-in' of running shoes, and the opinions vary widely. Almost as much variation as is exhibited between my bi peds.

There is a lot of talk about the Sopranos. I liked the episode. I think the people who didn't like it a. fear change and b. are unimaginative. Those folks just want the classic mobland stories of danger, racketeering and homicide. I think what the Sopranos is about is the things that go on in the life of a mob guy when he's not engaged in all those 'central to his existence/money making activities.' Sometimes you gotta go to the shrink, sometimes you gotta pick up the kids from school, and sometimes after sustaining serious internal injuries and massive blood loss you go into a coma. Now whether or not you like the writers version of purgatory and their interpretation of Tony's life inside his own comatosed limbo, well, that's another beef.

I feel I have been too hard on Mr. Gattis buffet in the last eight or ten years, pretty much avoiding it altogether. The place is still the same, and although it ain't great, it ain't that bad either.
When I was a younger man I would go into the Gattis buffet with the intent on getting my monies worth. That would inevitably lead to some degree of nausea. You just gotta take it easy there and things seem better.
I'm getting more mature.

Oblivious

2006-03-22T13:33:00.000-06:00

I want to write about things that to me seem ridiculously obvious.
You know, crap, that you see all the time. The same old shit. Just being perpetrated over and over.
Insanity really.
But base, and basic in a way.
Things that just are, and some people can't seem to see them or grasp them.
Whether it be word or thought or deed.
I don't mean obvious in the sense of apples are red or escalators go up and down or honey is sweet.
I mean things that are both obvious and simple like use your turn signal or say you are sorry or don't eat too much.
Things that are obvious lend themselves to the finding out of many dumb things and dumb people all around.
Obvious things are a magnet for stupidity, they kind of set the standard and weed out the pack.
Not to be judgmental. I am as dumb as the next guy.
But sometimes I think I have a better sense of the obvious than your average joe shmoe.
I say that
but when I sit down to write and set my mind to the task of writing about these aforementioned obvious things I often have a difficult go at it.

I love the Sopranos. The quality that makes that show so engrossing seems elusive.
I love endorphins, they make me feel so good.
I love people, for the most part, and I try to love them all as children of the One.
It is the same energy that made and sustains and fulfills us all.
I love sports. More points less wars.
I love music, I even make it sometimes.
I love art.
I prize it above most human endeavors.
Although I realize it is often quite useless and/or misused in the modern world.
I am a believer in a higher power. I believe there is one true god. One true one.
The God of love and the God of peace.
But the same dude used to be the God of justice and wrath.
I know that god by the name of Jehovah
Yaweh
But I reckon that other names of other god and gods spoken by other tongues of other folks of the human race are embodiments of the same great force or forces that give us life and promises us more than just ourselves
and more than just suffering in the now.
Myths vary but truth is universal.
I believe teh true god is the un-name-able.
I love food, meat and fruits and vegetables. I give thanks to the One who gives us life and energy for our bounty.

I don't like hate or prejudice or pain.
I accept the destructive forces as necessary to balance the planet and cosmos,
but I grieve the passing of leaves and lives and I try to dwell in and on the light.

I think the end of late fees was a great mistake for Blockbuster as a corporation and I wish I had bought some Google stock the second it was first offered.

I believe the interwebnets has us all thinking differently.
Closer to collective consciousness.

I wish people would always use their turn signal.

I think the war and the foreign policy is a mess and I fear for the future.
But then I remember that God is in control and that the design of the universe and the plans of the creator are a process and they must unfurl the way that was set out
long ago.

I drink Tecate and I think beer is a gift from God.
Just don't drink too much.

I wish to see things more clearly.

Character Flaw #47

2006-03-20T15:44:00.000-06:00

I am too influenced by the opinions of others.

Missing In Action

2006-03-20T15:01:00.000-06:00

I didn't get a wrist band.
I didn't even really try.
I basically missed the whole of SXSW, save for the free show at Auditorium Shores on Thursday. That however, was wicked bad. Blackalicous rocked and ruled the rythm sticks. Spoon was awesome. I liked how their set ebbed and flowed. Echo and the Bunnymen was hella live even though I had never heard them before, but as the set wore on I realized that I had heard them before.
I am very conflicted about my ability to "party" these days.
I am a yound man, and I still want to party. But I wake up so early for work and I get so tired so early in the evening. I have been opting to stay in instead of going out.
One would think "well you must be a responsible adult." This is true, but sometimes this responsible behavior just makes me feel like on old fogey.
This is what I liked about doing crystal. I could stay out late and I was social and I could party till the break of dawn, but it all had to be under the influence of that lethal drug. Now that I am stimulant free I have a hard time getting out and about, especially after 10:30 or so.
I could go on and on about the reasons or excuses but its all up to me and at the moment I am in faliure mode as far as going out late and having fun.
I am not very happy with my decisions.

I am also not very happy about how the average peanut gets treated at local specialty shops (aka runtex and bicycle sport shop).
I'm not an expert. Thats why I am here. Try not to make me feel like an asshole for not immediately knowing what kind of running shoe I need. But moreover ~ fuck off. I'll get my gear somehwere else.

Seems like the whole town was in a bad humor yesterday.

Dreary weekends, sunny beautiful weeks, that's been the cycle lately and its getting old.

Poor Planning

2006-03-16T09:44:00.000-06:00

The SXSW music festival has started and I haven't made any arrangements to attend.
I am once again the victim of my own poor planning.
I am so jealous of those people who are in from out of town and don't have anything to do except enjoy the festival.

I am however going to see one of my favorite west coast
yay area
hip hop legends
Blackalicous.
Free at Auditorium Shores. The place where the dog poo resides. I hope they pick up some of that poo before the concert starts.

Miss Communication

2006-03-13T15:58:00.000-06:00

Passive aggression
much like sarcasm
don't come in too clear over e-mail.

ya dig

A truism, by Kidd Matteo

2006-03-07T15:27:00.000-06:00

If at first you don't succeed,
lower your standards.

The Future

2006-03-07T15:26:00.000-06:00

I'm not a gambling man.
I'm not a psychic.
I can't actually predict the future.

But

With the way things are going in the world.
The immediate future is sure to be action packed.

Like a Scooby Doo Ending?

2006-02-09T15:15:00.000-06:00

It's a plot device.
Deus ex Machina.
But my question to you is.
Is a classic Scooby-Doo ending a Deus ex Machina?

I would like to do a series about stuff that to me seems quite obvious.
It should be fascinating, because I think there is a divergence in what I think is obvious and what my reader and the average Joe Shmoe thinks is obvious.
Divergent like a great chasm.
That is not to say that I consider myself above average. Maybe just slightly unique.
But we would all like to think so, all us foolish Americans.
Snoflakes and all.

All Americans want to feel special, important, individual. We are more alike than we think.
We are more like chimpanzees than we would like to think.

I saw a very beautiful woman driving a Kia Rio.
It seemed like such a modest car for such a stunning beauty.
I wondered if she felt that the car was beneath her.
In the back of her mind she must be thinking.
"I should be driving a Jaguar."
Like most beautiful women she could easily parlay her looks into the car of her dreams.
But maybe she is a recovering somethingorother, like a crackhead maybe.
Or maybe she is trying to rely on her wit and skill.
Of which she must have very little of either.
Or maybe her cousin died and she just got a great deal on the Kia.
you know
reliable transportation
cars is cars
peoples is peoples.

And the Gods came down from on high
and the people were sore afraid
but the evil one is banished to Hades
and the mystery gets solved
and Ulysses and Whatsername
live happily ever after.

Or until their next brush with the fates.

My Adidas

2006-02-07T13:50:00.000-06:00

I finally bought some new running shoes.

I have needed a new pair for quite some time.

On Sunday, I went to Academy and I picked out a nice new pair of Adidas trail running shoes. I often run on trails. And as name brands go I like Adidas, mostly because they make the best gear for European style futbol. However, historically Adidas sneakers do not really fit my feet. My feet are much the same proportions as Fred Flintstone's, that is to say that they are rather wide, almost square. Adidas shoes, while wider than nike and puma, are still rather narrow. I found great success with my last pair of New Balance sneakers. They helped me rehab my knee after my acl reconstruction surgery. In fact, I once remember saying that from now on I will only buy New Balance. But for some dumb reason, and this very much relates to what I was talking about in the last post, I decided that I liked the Adidas sneaks better and although they seemed a little snug around the edges I figured I could break them in. I even had a pair of New Balance out and on that I liked and would have done just as well as the Adidas that I picked out, but no, I had to go all counterintuitive and buy the Adidas.

I was happy at first. I wore them to the gym just to lift weights on Sunday and they felt just fine. But when I went back to the gym to run yesterday evening I was sorely disappointed. About a half mile into my run my feet were starting to hurt. About a mile into the run the pain was almost unbearable. I thought it would pass so I just kept running. At about a mile and a half I thought I was going to break down in tears. The pain had become excruciating. I would have hated to start sobbing in front of all those nice folks at the gym. So I had to stop my run only a part of the way through my usual distance. I was crestfallen. I was heartbroken. I was mad. Why oh why oh why, did I go against my gut instinct and stray from the wonders of the New Balance? Why did I try a brand of shoe that long ago I had forsaken because they obviously don't make shoes that fit a caveman's feet? Why did God make my feet so great in girth?

I decided not to let it get me down. This is the kind of thing that in the past I would have let gnaw at my nubbins for days on end. But the new me decided to let it go. I decided to turn to my new tool, optimism. I could still wear these shoes to just for general walkabouts. I might need some shoes that looked good with shorts once the summer comes. Hey, they were on sale so I'm not out that much money. And I know exactly which pair of New Balance I am going to buy when I go back to the store. But I also could have just gone with what I know and gotten the brand that I am sure fits my feet. That's what I will do in the future. And luckily I have this writing to remind me.

On an unrelated note, if you like glitz and boobs you should watch the show Las Vegas in NBC. its a great place to turn off your brain for and hour. Although I noticed thy are moving it to Friday night which is really a death sentence for a show that had previously been on Monday night.

death? where is thy sting...

Procrastination

2006-02-06T13:58:00.000-06:00

I hate it when I have put something off for months and when I get down to doing the thing it only takes me fifteen minutes. Makes me feel like a damn fool. And NO, I am not referring to this writing exercise.

I cleaned my apartment this weekend. There was this pile of junk in my bedroom that I had been meaning to go through. It really was an eyesore. It was just receipts and junk mail and magazines, nothing grimy or gross. It had started in the chair in the living area and had gotten moved en masse to the bedroom where I had been stepping over it and adding to it since way before Christmas. In fact, the cleaning of my apartment while certainly filled with drudgery wasn't that bad at all, not nearly as bad as I had made it in my mind. This is a lesson I have learned before, many times before. Which makes me wonder, how many times in life do we have to learn the same lessons over and over. I mean, I guess if you really LEARN a lesson that that would imply that in the future you won't make that same mistake or not do that thing that you promised your self you would never do again. But there are those little things that just keep popping up on our respective radar screens and we see it again and we go, "oh yeah, that's why I don't do that."

But seriously I got a bunch of bs stuff done this weekend. Makes me feel good.

Did you know that The Stones were censored during their halftime show? I didn't either. In fact I was thinking that The Stones were perfect for the halftime show in this boring ass, whitewashed, puritanical, pre-teen poppycock, fully censored for our safety, nation of ours. I thought they were safe as a church bus, fully sanctified for mass consumption. But no, turns out that two lyrics were explicit enough for the dump button. Fuck you FCC. Fuck you for making a sanitized mockery of what used to be the most fun and profane nation on earth.

Makes me want to run with scissors, although I suppose our nations highways are as fun and dangerous as anybody needs.

1,000 Keychains

2006-02-03T14:10:00.000-06:00

The keychains are gone. All one thousand of them. They were received on the 25th. Pete signed for them. But I never saw them. Didn't even get a chance to lock them up. Now the On-Premise sales guys have nothing to hand out at their super bowl promos except free beer and empty promises.
I would be inclined to feel responsible, yet in the absence of any reasonable security measures no one can really be held liable.
thievery is rampant problem here at Cap Bev.
Lot's of our workers are ex-cons, desperate men working a dead-end job, so what do you expect.
Sad story really.

In an unrelated matter, are you ever shocked at how many idiosyncrasies your computer has? You would think that an inorganic system would operate as if in a vacuum, but no, my machine is like a paranoid schizophrenic. One minute its all running at a reasonable pace with a hard line efficiency, responding to my every touch as if in the hands of a delicate lover. Then the next minute I sit down to spool a decal design to the vinyl cutter and all the sudden my machine is raving about communist plots against the reform party perpetrated by the paper towel holder, and its sure that the bawdy nanny is trying to poison it through the ethernet cable. And bugs, bugs crawling all over the screen.

I'm all "sheesh, hold it down jibby, no one is out to get you, everything is cool, why don't you just relax and open up a can of ackright."

I hate it when we fight.

Renewed ~ on da realz

2006-02-02T16:03:00.000-06:00

I am so over blogging. So I'm just gonna write from now on.

This is not blogging, or a blog post, or blogalicious. These are just words on a screen,
that may or may not have been written by someone.

One of my favorite bloggers once mentioned that she always tries to write about at least two things per post. I think that's a great idea. But this post is a catch up post so I have at least eight things to write about, maybe more. here goes~

I can't believe how divided this country is right now. Did you see the State of the Union address? Me neither. But I saw the highlights. My favorite was the sarcastic applause. Cheers and jeers right there in the House Chamber or as like to call it under this administration "The Monkey House." Here's a couple of paraphrased quotes for any of ya'lls who care. Uh... "a house divided against itself cannot stand." does that ring any bells? and "those who do not heed the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them." Do any of these sound apropos? Do things seem just totally out of hand crazy right about now? Don't answer all at once. Make your marks heavy and dark and remember to show your work.

I found out at my Grandfather's funeral that I am a rich man. No, he didn't leave me a fortune. But he did give me the tools to be successful in life. And I was told by friends and relatives that they always wished that he was their Grandfather. You know all those intangible things that people are always talking about as priceless or more valuable than gold, well, they are, and I got a full measure of all those things. I might never attain great material wealth in this lifetime but make no mistake, I am a rich man.

Last week, while playing European style futbol, I got hit in the windpipe with an elbow traveling at a very high velocity. I couldn't talk too good for a couple days because of the swelling, and it still hurts.

I signed another year lease. In my apartment that is right next to Ms. Miss. We are still seeing each other. Things are cool. I'm in a very good rut right now.

Speaking of Ms. Miss. She and I went to New Mexico on New Years day. We spent a few days in Santa Fe. We saw some awesome art and architecture. We ate well and we enjoyed fires in our very own wood burning stove. We went to 10,000 Waves, a zen spa, and had a jacuzzi and sauna in a private waterfall area. We were gonna ski in Taos but there was no snow. So we went up to southern CO to Pagosa Springs. We skied at Wolf Creek. They had lots of snow. It was just her second time skiing so she spent that day on the bunny slope. I could see her from all three base lifts. Sometimes she looked like she was standing still. Some of the kids that were just learning to ski, the Wolf Pups as it were, would yell as they went past "believe in yourself, believe in yourself." So true. We bathed in the mineral baths in Pagosa Springs. They smelled like sulfur, aka rotten eggs. And those minerals were so strong that when I washed my swim breeches they made all my clothes smell like sulfur aka stinky poo.

I've been watching the Rollergirls reality show on A&E that features Austin's own Texas Rollerderby league. They inspire me. Moreover they make me realize that inspiration is all around and that you never know who you are going to inspire with your life and works.

Speaking of inspiration. Someone I know found this blog and started reading it. It inspired him to call me a genius. Now while I am very flattered, I do think he was being a little over the top with his praise. But more importantly it inspired me to blog again, er, I mean, write. I have spent entirely too much time being jealous of other peoples talents and the work that others are doing. I need to remember what I am about and that I am pretty fuckin' talented myself. I mean, not so talented that I can't pepper my writing with profanity, but talented nonetheless.

Although I don't really believe in talent as a concept.

Speaking of talent though, I've actually been painting again. A friend of mine inspired me, or rather, commissioned me to do a painting for him. He even fronted some money for the supplies. And while I haven't finished his painting yet, it has led me to do about 15 small works so far in attempts to tune up my skillz so I can begin work on his painting, or rather paintings, as I plan to do a diptich for him, oh fuck it, maybe a triptych, who knows, life has just begun.

I got a Sirius satellite radio so I can listen to Howard. He inspires me.

So I mentioned this friend who called me a genius, well he did so in public, addressing other people, at Crown and Anchor last night. And I was sitting in this spot, where I had sat once before, many years previous. It was a night in which I had let the booze and my temper get the best of me. I actually left the pub that night and destroyed the better part of the ceramics that I had made in college art classes. I wish I hadn't smashed all those crappy pieces. I mean, they were crap, but I regret my temper getting the best of me. I have been seeing someone about my anger management issues. It seems to be helping. But I was sitting in that same spot last night thinking how things have changed, mostly for the better.

Oh dear reader, we have so much catching up to do.

Don't call this a blog. These words aren't new or contemporary, they just always were.

The New Texas Governor

2005-12-09T12:15:00.000-06:00

Support Kinky for governor of Texas in 2006.

I was downtown eating dinner last night and I got to meet Mr Friedman and shake his hand.
He's got my vote.

Sudden Fishing

2005-11-02T16:01:00.000-06:00

One time
When I was like four, or maybe five. It was a Saturday. We lived in that duplex by the loop there in Lubbock.
It was Saturday reachin' on into Saturday afternoon. I had been out with my Mom.
Ya know, doing stuff.
It was just a regular day.
Nice, but regular.

When we got home from doing something, whatever it was that we had been out doing,
I was just futzing about, prolly playing in my room,
nuthin' special really.
Then my Mom called me into the kitchen. And I walked into the kitchen and there was my Grandfather.
Papa I called him. I remember being so excited to see him.
And the best of all was that he was there to pick me up and take me fishing.
How utterly unexpected. You might even say it was a surprise.
We weren't going far. Just to the lake outside of town.
I can't remember the fishing so much as the feeling. The feeling of being surprised.
The feeling that something unexpected and fun was happening and it was just me and my Papa.
going fishin'
The feeling that someone was thinking about me and planned a little surprise, just for me and him.
I don't remember how many fish we caught. Or even if we took the boat or not.
But we went that Saturday afternoon, just me and Papa.
And we went fishin'.

Whenever something like that happens, something unexpected, and fun, and seemingly planned just for me, I think about that day.

They took him home last night. My Mom says that he is resting very peacfully. They have a hospice nurse around the clock. They are giving him morphine, and valium, and something to dry up his congestion. No wires or plugs, just drops under the tongue. He hasn't spoken since Monday, but when he heard the living room clock chime, when they got him home, he opened his eyes and kinda smiled like he knew where he was.
I hope he passes soon.
I hope there is a heaven and I hope that he feels young and healthy when he gets there.

Alas, the End.

2005-11-01T15:57:00.000-06:00

Not the end for this blog.
Despite what the title says this blog shall live on.
Possibly in infamy.

It may be the end for my dear Grandfather. I spent this weekend at his bedside at a hospital in Fort Worth. His body is failing and his heart is too weak for them to give any more anesthesia for any more patch jobs. Today they have unplugged all the hositpital stuff, they have given him morphine to make him more comfortable, and they are taking him home in hospice care. My mom says that he has stopped talking to them, he probably has had a stroke. Death watch.

I mention it cause one of the first posts on this blog was about the unusual side effects of losing ones mind. That was sort of the beginning of the end for Elwyn. He was like my father, if you categorize father as the man who shows you how to be a man.

I already miss him.

Tomorrow I will tell ya'll about his life. He was a great man.

Ice Cream Cart

2005-08-12T16:16:00.000-05:00

The beverage industry is a pretty solid business. I mean, folks need their beverages. A fact which I once tried to tie into a neo-fascist political party manifesto.
Anywhos
For those who don't know I work for Coors. Its not just Cold, Its Rocky Mountain Cold. And for some reason I don't know why I didn't think about the beer business as a great career choice for me a long time ago. Its perfect. Its a product that I can really support. Its a product that practically sells itself. People drink when the economy is good and they drink more when the economy is bad. Its the legal drug. I am a legal drug marketing professional. I think I have quite a future here.

Today I got to leave the office and go to Graham Central Station, the WalMart of nightclub entertainment, to decal an ice cream cart kinda like this one, but with Coors Light graphics instead of Yahoo. Not a glorious task but a welcome reprieve from my usual workaday grind. That took a great chunk of the day. I am now just waiting patiently to leave and go enjoy our wonderful product.

Sometimes life doesn't suck as much as it could.
But sometimes this blog sucks as much as possible.

Positivity is going great for me by the way. My skin has cleared up, my ulcer is receding, and I have mad a friend.
yeah

The Truth

2005-08-12T16:14:00.000-05:00

this blog is pretty much all about me
I don't think I have made any secrets about that

action leads to motivation
and I am slagging behind
and ragging your mind

Haters

2005-08-05T15:49:00.000-05:00

I am a hipster.

I have been a hipster since around '96 when I reckon I was a pioneer in the movement.
Not quite dirty enough to be a hippie yet far afield from the mainstream or what was perceived as the mainstream. Kind of a modern hippie intelligentsia that runs a small gamut from indie to electropop. I was and still am a hip-hop body yet not brown or down enough to claim the culture as my own.

Not to be confused with a scenster by any means.

Relishing relics of the past on my person and in my choice of vehicle. Reading and writing more than the average American and feeling hella self righteous about it. I smokes on the daily and I roll mad joints like water, whatchu wanna do? Taking slang gleaned from British and California cronies and unabashedly slinging it around Austin, I mean "who the fuck do I think I am man... Oprah?, hell no buddy, I'm your average hipster dufus on the hip trip dip hop tip... nahmean? ya dig?

But lately, and maybe not so lately, folks have been hella hating on the hipsters coast to coast. Maybe its the mad gentrification that hipsters be perpetrating in what some folks would consider the "bad" parts of town from Philly to Tacoma back down to Arizona and Oakland and Williamsburg and Brooklyn too strong. Maybe its those overtly self righteous attitudes that most hipsters wear from the vintage tee to a fee diddley dee. Or maybe its just being the same but being different and being discriminated on based on whatever... mainly because folks like to hate. And because whoever you are here in American and in the Human condition your time will come to be hated upon.

On a lighter note, I am really happy for Mariah and her album doing so well. Stupid title, but I like that single that on the radio. I was concerned that her career was gone for good there for awhile but she is selling the shit out of that album.
Congratulations Mariah,... mwah xoxo

Case In Point

2005-07-01T10:10:00.000-05:00

Hard line realism has brought me to the unrealization that I am having trouble thinking of something to write about.
I could write about my anger management problems.
But that might seem like I am trying to elicit pity. Or that I am trying to seem unnecessarily complex.
I could write about what I ate for breakfast this morning.
But the banality of that story might turn this blog into some trite piece of mundane drivel.
I could write about something that happened to me in my past.
But I usually need to be reminded of something

I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and go into a kharma cocoon for about a month or so,,,
sup?

*** I wrote this on July 01 and just neglected to publish it
and you are all "soooo what, sucka?"***

Dorky Mofo

2005-06-24T16:49:00.000-05:00

Hey look
there's Me and SK Smith.

The funniest thing about that blogger party happened to me later in the evening. The Blogger party was on a Monday night. Me and Ms Miss had gone on our first date on the Friday beforehand. We had spent the whole weekend together so I knew that the date had gone well and I knew that she liked me. So I went out and met Tony and SK and all those other folks and I had gotten fairly sauced. Well, I went home, not too late, and called Ms Miss. She was already in bed. I was so excited about the mixing and mingling that I invited myself over and got in bed with her and showed her these pictures, still fresh in the camera.
Looking back on the full, glaring, dorkiness of that moment, I can't believe the girl is still interested.
And that is not nearly as dorky as it gets.

On a sidenote, I hope that Miss Smith finds herself some kind of job or career sometime soon.
Summer in Austin is hard
and its even harder if you are unemployed and just generally dodging the sweltering heat.
And yes SK
like all good Austinites I am now going for a jog
at five o'clock
in the 98 degree weather
cause wees bees hard like that.

Maximum Occupancy

2005-06-24T10:48:00.000-05:00

I am glad that I got rid of my counter
numbers are for accountants
I am an artist

no really I am...

ask Mat Honan... he will vouch for me.

Strangers

2005-06-23T08:56:00.000-05:00

Sure,.. I met Tony Pierce one time.

I offered him a joint, but he's all hella straightedged and he just cold said no.

I'm such a little starfucker.

Tony's a pretty cool guy, although he seems slightly less cool in person than he is in his blog. That is not an indictment of his personality its just a testament to the artful power of his writing. He is living really large in his blog. I think his blog sets a standard for living as large as you wanna on a Hollywood budget. I hope more of it is true than is purported which would be easy since the tagline reads "nothing in here is true"

He was in town for the big SXSW interactive conference where he spoke on a panel of Black Bloggers. Those pictures were taken at Club DeVille, one of my most favoritest bars in town. I was thinking about Tony cause on Howard this morning they were talking about how E! cancelled Howard's TV show and they were talking about how some folks are gonna be out of a job. That made me think of somebody else that I know who recently lost their job at E!.

Looking for a job is the hardest job in the world,.. except maybe for those kids who do the diamond mining in South Africa. I hope Tony is able to land a satisfying gig sooner than later. buena suerte Tony...

After I met some of the folks who write some of the blogs that I enjoy very much I stopped blogging a little. There was a twofold reason there. First, I realized that there are a lot of people who are a lot more serious about their blogs than I am about mine. And some of those folks even write about hard hitting real-world type stuff, like politics and religion and racism and international who's its and what's its. And I write a lot of giblets and nonsense and lace a fair amount of bad poetry with the essence of nothing really. There are the pundits and the purveyors and they all generate way more traffic and interest than my little one man show of foolishness and virtual madness. I just feel bad when I am half assing things so sometimes I will just trim the fat and do other things for awhile. I did start drawing again during my blogging hiatus. The second reason has to do with a woman. The character that has been referred to as Ms Miss., like Ole' Miss.(but younger), has become quite a staple in my life. She and I have woven a nice little two person team. I didn't feel like blogging cause I didn't feel like sharing that part of life. I couldn't ignore it and I didn't want to post about it and so I just dipped for a minute. Can you blame me?

But, I just needed to remind myself why I write on a blog in the first place. Its cause I love writing and I don't do enough of it and I need an audience and some day I may start writing for serious and I want to be kinda warmed up, savvy? So here I am, back to the basics, spewing the kind of drivel that only a mother could love,.. just not my mother.. and I am happy as a clam. I know ya'll are all aware of the "Soulmate Correlate" to the "Bros over Hoes" rule so I know ya'll can't stay mad at me.

While I was away I got encouragement from this chick, and this dude

And I never got a chance to meet her, even though she works like two blocks from my house...

And I noticed that homeboy dropped me from his blogroll, what's up with that?

And T had some meltdown with his girl and was all,.. schreeeech, and you could almost smell the rubber burning.

And even A slowed down heaps and heaps,

so I don't feel too slack. nahmean?

Too Short

2005-06-22T09:05:00.000-05:00

I am in a very bad mood this morning
when I wake up feeling pissy
It takes a few hours to get over it.

I hope i get over it soon.

I wish I wasn't so ruled by my emotions.

Breathe in, Breathe out
there is no passion, only serenity

Lots to Say

2005-06-21T13:02:00.000-05:00

small posts get more comments than long ones

Longest Day

2005-06-21T09:53:00.000-05:00

*Yeah Summer

**I like to sweat everyday
I like to sweat and run and play
and swim and laugh and picnic nightly
summer's here and I'm feeling sprightly

***I say god-damn that is one lame-o rhyme

So I was thinking about my big leap back into the blogosphere. I'm pretty psyched about that. I knew it would still be here when I got back. Gives me a real sense of belonging and stability. And then that made me think about how I really don't like the word blogosphere. I prefer the more succinct blogsphere. I don't know where that 'o' came from, but seems to me that I didn't hear it pronounced like that or spelled that way until the mainstream media started talking about blogs. And then of course since it was on fox news and cnn and all those other farcical networks spelled that way then everybody started using the 'o' and it was cannonized and the rest is history. Although I could be wrong in that I'm not paying very much attention to the blogsphere as a whole. I pretty much stick to my neighborhoods where I know folks and folks know me, kinda like in the un-virtual world or as some would call it "real" life.

But then that reminded me of a word I made up about a week and a half ago. It is a hybrid word like blogshere which isn't simply a hybrid but actually a compound word containing one part that is a hybrid, right?
The word is technoloptimistic ~ which is the belief that technology has the power to solve all problems that threaten our planet and our society.
But at first I wasn't sure if I shouldn't shorten that further to ~ technoptimistic
and then in a fury of shortening madness I though that maybe I should contract that once again to tech-optimistic which could be fun cause it employs that perennial favorite, the hyphen
but looking at all three of the choices I kind of like the first and longest of the incarnations, technoloptimistic.
For one thing, I, unlike most Americans, am not into the brevity thing. I think some things need to stay unabridged, like for instance I insist that people call me Matthew and when they take it upon themselves to shorten my name I know that they are lazy bastards and I cross them off the list of people I respect. I know I am contradicting myself about what I said about blogshpere but hey, contradictions abound.
Something about the second modification, technoptemistic, reminded me of the marriage between a Cyclops and a coptic Christian and that just wasn't working for me.
And tech-optimistic reminded me of some dot-bomb buzz word and that made me want to puke in my old cubicle.

But then all that reminded me of how I am trying to be more of an optimistic person in general. I have spent my life as what I like to call a "hard-line realist." Even though it doesn't sound like it, that is a policy of flexibility. I realize that some situations call for an optimistic viewpoint whereas other situations dictate a pessimistic slant. Some things, where the outcome is obviously up in the air and the odds are not stacked too far in one direction or the other, I can see fit to have a positive attitude. On the other hand, when all hope is lost I have never felt like I should expend the extra effort to keep hoping and negativity ensues. I don't think that's necessarily the right way to go. For one thing, you never really know. So I am conceding that maybe it is better and healthier and more advantageous to be optimistic. This is hard for me but I think it will be the best policy in the end.

the power of positive thinking
that's what I'm marinating on this summer

Don't be so Naive

2005-06-20T09:37:00.000-05:00

Such a fine line between light and dark
In a painting or drawing you can create a certain synergy
by placing your light and dark areas right next to each other
flickering neighbors

I can't stand when people use the word synergy
I mean who the fuck do these people think they are
Oh Hi, I am some pompous, ivory tower academic asshat
who has chosen to adorn my writing with preposterously unusable "new-agey" psuedoscience words like
synergy
or perhaps paradigm
check me out I am on the bleeding edge of literary zeitgeist circa '94

And sometimes in life
the light and dark areas hang exceedingly close
Its like one day you are going along doing one ting or another
comfortably ensconced in your pattern of being
your rut of existence
and whammo blammo, something happens that changes everything
and you are all
hey universe, where's the gradient
why couldn't we ease into this new pool

What is with the widening gap between the haves and have not's in this society?
The predatory phase of capitalism is creating not short
but long
and brutish lives for a vast class of people in the richest
and yet most in decline city-state in the World

Don't act like I'm being unpatriotic by calling a spade, a spade
And speaking of that
what is up with the rampant racism that fills out hearts with such blind hate for one another?
~did you notice how that antiquated racial epithet reminded me of one of the most pressing issues
for me?
Its hard to accept the way thing are when you can't do nothing about them
besides change your own heart and mind

I could spend all day buried under the knowledge of unabated unfairness and inequality
in our world
would that help anyone?

I could spend all day focusing on the beauty and the positive aspects of life on planet Earth
would that help anyone?

duh, yeah, uh me.... hello?

~~~

2005-06-03T09:03:00.000-05:00

I used to blog.

Windmills

2005-05-16T11:17:00.000-05:00

Sometimes life grinds the shit out you...
...and sometimes you have to grind right back.

Hand me That Weed Whacker

2005-04-20T09:31:00.000-05:00

The worst job I ever had was my first job.
It was fucking mowing lawns with my stepfather, he had a lawn care business.
We lived in Lubbock Texas which is pretty fucking hot in June.
That June in particular there were 28 straight days of over 100 degree temps averaging around 107.
I was fourteen, where were the goddamned child labor laws I wonder.
We mowed a shitload of lawns
and then we got this great boon of a contract.
It was manicuring the "lawns" of the Lubbock Housing Projects. tight huh?
I mowed the PJs.
Now there were four separate housing projects in different parts of town.
There was one for the old folks, one for the Mexicans, one for the whites, and one for the blacks.
I think they made it that way cause Lubbock is a racist town in a racist state in a pretty racist country.
Some of us are working on it but its like a goddamned tsunami of racism around here sometimes... but anywhos
We mowed the projects.
The black folks had a raw deal set up, as they often do here in America, with very little grass coverage
mostly hard packed dirt with clumps of rude, stalky, mealy, weeds.
all grown up along the sidewalks and fences. Lot's of weeds I tells ya.
It would take us five or six hours of weed whacking
every couple weeks to get this place into some semblance of manicured lawncare bliss.
I would come out of those hellishly long days in the sun with my legs absolutely caked in weed guts.
I decided right then and there that I was gonna go to college and get my self an inside job
with a soft chair and a warm computer.

There is no moral to that story accept that
I hate racism in all its many manifestations both subtle and overt
and
If you are ever become a stepdad of a teenage boy don't for heaven's sake put him to work
like a dog
It's not a great way to endear yourself to your stepchild
dumbass.

Commentator Hater

2005-04-19T15:30:00.000-05:00

Maybe you are wondering how I am doing?
Maybe you forgot to ask?
Maybe none of ya'll give a shit? ~ it don't make no difference to me
I betcha don't know why ~ huh? ~ cause I'm peachy
Things are going swimmingly ~ nuthin' but blue skies ~ that makes me
Not give two shits
About what the haters have to say.

Now maybe you are a pal o? mine and you are wondering how I am doing?
Well buddy, I'm just peachy
And really things are going quite swimmingly.
The sky is a little cloudy but all I see is bright blue and sun rays gleaming.
Thank you for asking my buddy?

Have you met freeby, he's my new commentator hater. First, he or she commented anonymously. Then when my wrath was summoned and my words became harsh, a tirade ensued from freeby in which he or she called me lonely, a loser, wildly angry, heady, a head case, a hella poet, bloody mary cake boy, etc etc.. and all without bothering to leave an e-mail address. Without an e-mail address a name is still simply an anonymous comment. He also called into question my territory authority in doubting the "county" status of my blog space. Also, in an additional comment, he seems to have relished the idea that I "shut up and die" which is taken mildly out of context from the post.

I think freeby is an excellent writer who just needs his or her own blog. Maybe then he or she could get the hating under control. Express yourself freeby, it don't have to be a blog, it could be painting, or music, or killing, or espionage, or model trains. I'm sure you will excel in anything you choose to do. I would prefer that it not be leaving negative comments on my blog but if that's what it takes to nurture your talents then so be it. Go ahead. Do your worst. But believe me when I say that you have so much potential. Chase your dreams. Swing for the fences. Shoot for the stars. This guy's the limit.
I'm sorry I called you an asshole and cordially invited you and your loved ones to?
Eat shit.
I have a bit of a temper and I need to work on that myself. But not here in my blog. Here I am free to express my anger.
And you should be too.
Love yourself freeby, until you do that, the world can't love you back.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind myself and my loyal fans about a little creedo that I used to adhere to but had sort of forgotten about...
~ Fuck the Haters
But love your enemy
And clean your plate...
Wear clean drawers, everyday
And wash your hands after you pee or touch anything in a mall
And remember to smile
Cause your momma loves you~

Amen
And now back to our regularly scheduled program of innane poetry.

Human

2005-04-14T15:34:00.000-05:00

Being human begins with a violent act
Human beings often take a violent tack
Some humans hustle and sell crack
Some human have skills that others lack

i wanna do a blog about being human
i could call it the human blog
i'm hella tired of this blog anyways

Talking Up a Storm

2005-04-13T15:28:00.000-05:00

Before I die
Before they put my on the pyre and light the bottom faggots
Before I'm worm food
I want to do some talking
As some of you may or may not know, I like to talk
some might describe me as the kind of fellow who likes the sound of his own voice
while that description is accurate its also kind of a half-truth
whereas its true that I do like the sound of my own voice
that phrase holds a certain connotation about the motivation of the speaker in question
it could and usually does mean that nothing of significance is being said
and thereby the speaker is only speaker to hear his
or her voice
however, I try to always be purposeful when I'm blathering on
sometimes that goal is simply entertainment

but back to my premise
before I die I want to talk, for like a week, to an audience who wants to listen
and will be kind in their response
cause a lot of times in life I have had to hold my tongue
I have had to be my own best editor
and someday, right at the end, I just want to talk myself blue in the face
I want to talk about nothing and everything
about what has happened in the past and about what will happen in the future
about things that happened to me and about things that happened to people I know
about wisdom that I think I've gained and love that I think I've lost
about reasons to live and reasons to die

and then I just want to shut up and die
and hope that people enjoyed my last diatribe
and maybe I'll record it so they can beam it into space for other planets to enjoy.

dust

Discreet

2005-04-12T08:50:00.000-05:00

this blog is filled with lies and broken promises

Deep Night Inquisition

2005-04-06T09:31:00.000-05:00

Dark stars felled the shadows at the ground of meeting
Or the meeting ground
In the sky of round
Where the bed sheets pound
He could see into her eyes but she couldn't see back into his

And gas prices continue to rise
Some think that we shall soon be our own demise
As a culture and as a nation state
Cause we just can't maintain at this rate
Or sustain the inevitable parts of our fate

The ice shelfs drop into the sea and melt
the seals and sea lions are killed for their pelt
flightless puffins and penguins dun extinction felt
the richness of the balance of the planet is lost
and all I can do is stare into the blue of starling?s eyes

So deep in the night the inquisition breaks out
Without so much as a tremor or shout

Too late for questions
I tell her
and squint my way back into slight slumber

and in the night I dream of terrible things
mostly of life-forms dying in cars
and fights of jealousy in old towne dive bars
but when I awake in the night of dark stars
I see the slight form of life in the bed beside me

The darkness of the deep blue stars highlights the void created by the body of the manifestation of light and life right there in the bed beside me
To in the blackness guide me

I smell her radiant beauty in the absence of light

Daimond Tipped Days

2005-04-01T15:30:00.000-06:00

Diamond tips time peices delve deep into my heart
and stop the world

not just for me but for the gist of us
for the blissful bus
the public transport of the spirit that sometime sneaks up
into your life
and spins things out into a space of breazy blessings

Diamond tipped calender bits
drive the sunshine into my soul

P Whipped

2005-03-24T09:52:00.000-06:00

Oh who am I kidding, I love blogging.
I'm just taking a little break.
We gonna be back in April
something
fierce.

Hot Shit

2005-03-23T11:06:00.000-06:00

I think
I may be
done
here
for now.

2005-03-16T15:31:00.000-06:00

Here is me and Wonkette

2005-03-16T14:34:00.000-06:00

And I got my Anti Magnet... It's a little gay but I know that Anti is a badass so I don't mind so much... him staring at me from behind the blu blockers... thanks Anti.

2005-03-16T12:50:00.000-06:00

Here is Tony and Wonkette and the lovely SK Smith

2005-03-16T12:45:00.000-06:00

This looks like the early stages of being sloshed...

2005-03-16T12:43:00.000-06:00

Here it is, the meeting of two great minds...

SXSW Interactive Conference After Parties

2005-03-15T12:37:00.000-06:00

Written account first, pictures to follow~

Mission Accomplished folks. I wanted to meet Tony Pierce and last night it happened.

Tony rang my mobile around sixish to tell me about a blogger party at Club Deville. I was ecstatic that he called and I eagerly accepted the invitation. I was beside myself at the prospect of coming face to face with my most favorite blogger of all time. I also knew that he would be accompanied by SK Smith, my second favorite blogger of all time, and with that compound excitement I had to pee.

When I arrived at Club Deville Tony and SK were nowhere to be found. That was OK because Club Deville is a spot that I am quite familiar with so I found the bar with ease. I started off the night with a Guinness. When I realized that the situation was open bar I promptly ordered a second. I wandered around looking for Tony for a spell before settling in at a perch near the door where I could chat with strangers until my man arrived.

When Tony and SK finally hit the scene I was into my second Guinness and out of my head. I was really having to hold it down as not to seem like a total spazz. I was trying to rep the ATX with a little class. So greetings were exchanged and was relieved to find both Tony and SK delightful individuals in their corporeal forms. Tony said that he didn’t know what I looked like cause I never post pictures of myself. A statement which he retracted when we got around to taking pics. He was all “oh now I remember your picture in your blog from that face you just made.” I make silly faces for pictures.

Tony was of course straightaway mobbed by busblog fans which allowed me time to get to know SK, much to her chagrin I’m sure. She took it gracefully and chatted with me for quite a while.

When SK is talking she has the most deliberate method of forming her words and phrases. It’s really wonderful, it makes you feel safe and warm. She is in a graduate program at UT that I am interested in so we talked about that. Turns out SK knows Tony through her man Dan who attended UCSB with Tony. I got enough context clues out of her to assess Tony’s real age. He’s 84 not 111. Doesn’t look a day over 76 though.

Tony was all “wanna meet the hosts” and I was all “hells yes.” He then proceeded to introduce me to all the founding fathers of blogger. I was starstruck and not very composed about it. I was shaking hands and hugging and taking pics and engaged in a brand of merrymaking that could only be brought on as a result of south by southwest.

Tony tried to talk his way into the Real World house while SK and I discussed “playing with the forms” when it comes to painting and writing respectively.

Before I knew it the Google party was over and it was off to The Sidebar for the gawker party.

Biz was all "next party Dep, lead us to The Sidebar" and I was all "yes sir, c'mon everybody, follow me" and then I got everybody lost. The gawker party was approching crunk when we arrived. Guess who was there? Ana Marie Cox, THE Wonkette. Hello, uh, hotness alert. I hope my erection wasn’t that obvious. I took a picture of her without her consent and I hope she doesn’t sue me for it. I think she is loverly even though I don’t read a lot of political blogs.

I got pics of Tony meeting Wonkette for the first time. Talk about your seminal blog moments. Are there any respectable publications who wish to pay me for those pics? I’m cheap as far a paparazzi is concerned.

There was a Korean Kissing bandit and there was people from all over and the booze was flowing and I think a good time was had by all.

At one point Tony was trying to give somebody directions. I just shook my head. He handed me the phone. It was Kristen from Madpony. She was on the outskirts of town. I gave her directions to the joint we were at. I was unfortunately too tired and at that point too drunk to stick around to meet Kristen. I would have just made a fool out of myself anywhos. But I think those kids are still round town. Tony’s gonna be here till Friday so I hope to hook up with him again.

When I got home I was so excited I had to call Ms Miss to tell her about it. I don’t think she was very impressed.

Pics coming soon.

Mahi Mahi

2005-03-14T10:22:00.000-06:00

I cooked a loverly dinner for myself and Ms Mississippi last night
Mahi Mahi, perfectly pan fried with garlic and onions
on a bed of fresh greens topped off with avocado, fresh cilantro, and capers.
It was awesome.
I smothered my salad greens in ranch dressing but Ms Miss. is way classier than that.
She settled for a dollup on the side.
The food was good and she was impressed.
I usually watch a couple hours of TeeVee on Sunday nights. I like it, its my decompression time.
But as a result of my pleasant company I only watched The Simpsons, thereby cutting my TV viewing for the entire weekend down to one thirty minute sit com. Not too shabby.

I'm excited about this week
aw heck, I'm excited about life.

Let Me Be Your Concierge

2005-03-14T09:29:00.000-06:00

I am the nice reader that Tony is talking about here.
I have indeed offered him concierge service while he is here in town. That's how much I respect the busblog. That is also a great indication of how important hospitality is to me. I want to make sure that all visitors to my fair city have a great time and have everything they need while they are here. I have been shown outstanding hospitality all over the globe and I take it as my honor and responsibility to lay out the red carpet whenever I get a chance.
I been thinking about getting it tatted up on my belly. Just the word hospitality all big and emblazoned right across my belly, in that old English style font that all the cholos and gangbangers use.
Ya know you got Tommy Lee and he has "mayhem"
and ya got Tupac with his "thug life"
well me
the Deputy
I wanna get "hospitality" big as all get out, tattooed right across my belly, cause I'm all about it.
I hope Tony gives me a call while he is here. While I am not actually at his "beck and call" I do want a chance to meet him and maybe get a picture with, and if he does have material needs that will add to the comfort of his stay and they can be met locally I will be willing to help him out with those in any way I can.
That's what a concierge does.
That's what being The Deputy is all about.

Oh, and, a thousand kisses later
and one helluva weekend passed
I still am digging my hot neighbor
thanks for the luscious weekend
Mississippi.

2005-03-11T10:18:00.000-06:00

Yes Baby, you are the baddest bitch

Let the Good Times roll

2005-03-10T17:25:00.000-06:00

So check dis out.

I’m having a pretty damn good week.
Honestly it would be a crime not to share it with my blog audience.
So the goodness of this week has included but is not limited to ~

The aforementioned SXSW wristband hook-up, which is as lush as it sounds and which I plan to abuse to the fullest extent of the law.

Not one but two extended business lunches where I have had my meals bought for me, although I hear there is no such thing as a free lunch.

Making out with my hot neighbor girl whom I had previously dismissed as an ice queen. Turns out that she was living in NYC before she moved to Austin so she has just had a bit of a transition back into the world of friendly humans.
Turns out also that she has been crushing on me for a while now and she was thinking maybe I was gay cause I hadn’t approached her and yet I was thinking that she either had a boyfriend or a heart made of ice judging from her less than welcoming demeanor.
Turns out she’s pretty nice and hot for me… so uh, that’s pretty cool.

Things ain’t always going so smooth so I like to celebrate a little when they are.

How are you?
What kind of week are you having?

In It to Win It

2005-03-08T10:47:00.000-06:00

Fuck Yeah, hizzah, Hooray

I won. I won a contest. I won the Anti Magnet Giveaway contest. I won an Anti Magnet.
I know its a little homoerotic and all but I am super chuffed.
The thing about contests is that I hardly ever enter. I usually win when I do enter.
Some would say by that logic I should enter lot's more contests. But that ain't the way it works.
I reckon that I've got a fixed amount of wins in my lifetime. I can use them all up in the next few years by entering every damn contest that I come across and placing at least within the top three or I can spread them out over a lifetime and when I'm 88 and playing bingo I will still have a few wins left to impress the little blue haired ladies.
Of course by that logic, what a fuckin idiot I am for having thrown away a win on a blog magnet contest.
But then again think of the mad snazz that I'm gonna be impressing with my Anti Magnet.
Hells yes.
Thanks Anti, I don't care what all those fuckers say about you
you're alright.

And in a related story of luck o' the draw, looks like I'm gonna be getting a free SXSW wristband from my work.
I have mentioned before that my job holds certain perks. Well, I did a little logo design for the Shiner brand manager for his kids ball club and he committed at least one wristband in payment. So I guess that it wasn't free but its cheaper than the 150 dollar retail value and it is something I wouldn't splurge for so Its free to me. And I could possibly get another one which would entitle me to choose a companion for the week.
So ladies, if you want to go to some wicked shows here in Austin during SXSW
look for my South By South Deputy wristband contest
where you may get a chance to go down south on The Deputy
I mean WITH The Deputy.

Unless bunny wants to go ahead and claim the prize herself.

Safe as Houses

2005-03-03T17:22:00.000-06:00

I wish you could still order houses from a catalogue
that you and your friends and neighbors could assemble together
in a manner similar to a good old fashioned barn raising.

I think I'm gonna design some catalogue houses...

Anybody wanna buy a Rampage Original Home Design?
We got indoor plumbing
and free cable.

Hum Drum

2005-03-02T16:38:00.000-06:00

I just don't feel like blogging.

So dreary.

I'll blog again someday.

Student Council President

2005-02-23T15:52:00.000-06:00

I beat my best friend for the office of student council president in the sixth grade.
My speech was based on the Jon Lovitz, “That’s the Ticket” character.
It was hilarious.
I was not the most qualified man for the job.
I brought shame to the office.
I got kicked out of school on the last day of that year for calling a girl a “bitch” at recess.
My opponent, my best friend at the time, was beaten only by the speech.
He was a fine, upstanding young man who most certainly would have taken his duties as student council president much more seriously.
He would have also most certainly clenched the nomination had I not so slyly executed that side-splitting speech.
I was just not as mature and businesslike as was my friend.
I was just not capable of taking anything too seriously at that stage in my development.
Beside that, my parents had divorced that year and I was desperate for acceptance.
That thing was a great way for me to remind myself that I was loved and wanted.
Being student council president fucking rocked.
After my term in office the administration appended a strict rule to student council nomination speeches.
The rule ~ NO Funny Speeches.

That friend has just moved to Austin.
I have not talked to him yet.
We stayed friends after elementary school but I have not talked to him in about nine years.
I have sent him two e-mails requesting that he contact me.
I think I’m gonna beat him to the punch and call him.
I hope he is not still holding on to that sixth grade grudge.

Elton.wav Rhymes

2005-02-22T16:10:00.000-06:00

I’m not a freestyler
Or a crime fighter
On a wicked rewind
But I am a realistic rhyme writer

DonChanow? Senor Hater
that you’re a style biter
you wish you was me
A real crowd exciter

Don’t flex that harvest
Less you prepped for the test
Your gameplan express
A weakness at chess
And all kinds of other strategy games

Like the gameplan in life that you’ve piped is quite lame
But you lay it the same
For a chance at some fame
And bray on the street corner for nuggets of change
And prey on the farmer
For buckets of rain

Old wounds open easy
Read a few lines and memories come tease thee
Torments about the could haves should breeze frees
And leaves ye low down and feelin’ sleazy

Now come please me

Dentist

2005-02-22T11:31:00.000-06:00

I went to the dentist last Thursday.
It was something that had been swimming around my head and my molars for some time now.
My last dental visit was in the summer of 2000. I had a pretty great check up back then and I was worried that the last four years of drug abuse and general debauchery had fucked up my teeth something fierce.
There was one place in particular on the upper right side where I could insert the tip of my fingernail. I thought for sure that it was a cavity and I figured that it couldn't be my only one.

Well as it turns out, after all that time away from dental cleaning, and like I say, ingesting all manner of horrible substance, and smoking a fair, if not a copious amount.

I don't have any cavities.

FU tooth decay.
The place that was gaping that I could gage with my nail was just brush abrasion. Apparently I don't know my own strength when it comes to brushing. That did require an aesthetic fill but that was easy enough and they have these video glasses at my dentists' office that you can slip on when you are having a lengthy procedure and you can just drift off into movie majick while they scrape and drill and fill your shit. And my dentist is a lady and she's kind of hot and really nice.
I wasn't really worried cause I was told, back in the day, that I have a very acidic ph balance in my body and that makes for very acidic saliva which is not very friendly towards tooth decay and the germs that cause gingivitis. Plus, my obsessive compulsive tendencies manifest themselves in my oral hygiene habits.
When I'm nervous, I brush or floss. That's a great way of making your mental health weaknesses work for you, you should try it.

sidenote ~
My dentist said that I remind her of the supporting role from the movie Serendipity
which I had never seen, but it turns out that she means Jeremy Piven
who is playing a character called Ari on one of my favorite new shows, Entourage
which I suppose is an accurate assessment
cause we both have short thin hair
and much like most of the characters that Jeremy Piven plays
I too am a real dick.
but I prefer the other star that people have been comparing me to
which is Party Boy, Chris Pontius.

Weekend Wrap Up section 02.18

2005-02-21T16:09:00.000-06:00

Live Music Capitol of the World. That’s what they call Austin.
I think they should change that to Live Music CrapHole of the World.
I suppose that if you are from Kabul or Phnom Phen, it might seem like there is a lot of great live music here.
I agree that there is a LOT of LIVE music.
Or rather there are a lot of venues that feature as their entertainment a group of guys or gals that are holding in their hands, instruments intended for musical productions, and said instruments or noisemakers are indeed plugged into power supplies and then fed through amplification devices, and said group of humans are usually operating their respective instruments within some conceivable limits of the possibility of functions of said instruments, producing what could definitely be called sounds and most likely be called noise and in some cases ~ music.
If that’s what you mean by “live music” then yes we might could be called Live Music Capitol of ,..something or other.

I went to Beerland on Friday night in the Red River district of towne. I won’t mention the name of the band that was headlining the evening, but between this featured band and the two that preceded it I heard very little music. Now let me add this caveat, I don’t really like Rock and Roll. I do however love good music and sometimes that includes the genre of Rock. My personal preference when it comes to music is only partly clouding my opinion on this subject. The other primary factor in being so harsh on the Austin music scene is that the cross section of all music that I have “checked out “ around this town is crap.
Not like, “I don’t like country, so I hate this song” kinda crap.
Its more like, “Between the overwhelming feedback and the screaming singer, this hardly resembles music” kinda crap.
Most of the acts that you go to see at most venues just need more practice, I just don’t want to pay a cover to hear a band practice.

If you are in a band in Austin and you are getting your feeling hurt, well don’t
Just get better
And we’ll be straight.

A Scanner Darkly is gonna be a great flick.
My buddy Beans is working on the animation part of the film.
The technique is called rotoscoping, and its super-bad.
If you saw Waking Life, then you have seen rotoscoping before but you have never really seen anything like this.
The style is both loose and tight at the same time
We went to see Constantine on Saturday afternoon cause the Scanner preview was playing before it. Constantine was a horrible move but Scanner looks super cool. I am so proud that my buddy is working on a major motion picture. That’s tight.
Constantine was another one of these flicks that has all the elements of a good movie but it can’t hold together because of the complexity of the story and so it just kind of falls apart. There were too many elements of the story, for even the most skilled of filmmakers, to unify for the silver screen. Besides, the Jon Constantine character is just a derivative of the Neo character from The Matrix films. It’s a part that Keanu does well, in fact I think that’s just the real Keanu but that’s what most Hollywood actors do. They play themselves, ad nauseum.
The best part of Constantine was the Hell imagery. Since Heaven and Hell are right here in this space but on different planes then Hell looks just like the world around you except it is engulfed in a firestorm. That was pretty cool and might make you look differently at your surroundings. And also I liked the Angel Gabriel. He was played by a British actress who made him seem androgynous and sweet and wicked all at the some time.
Oh yeah, and horrible editintg.
One and one half stars for Constantine, and I can’t tell if I’m being harsh or generous.

Sunday was hella relaxing. I slept late and went for a rainy round of disc golf at Pease Park with Beans. He won and I was OK with that. I got all this minutiae taken care of in the afternoon, which included but was not limited to grocery shopping and laundry and cleaning my bathroom and cooking myself a nutritious meal. I like getting stuff like that done cause it makes me feel all sorted out even though I might be far from it. Then I settled in with a spliff and some FOX Sunday nite programming. The Simpsons was excellent and it took on the subject of gay marriage with the gentle handling of a Army Instructional Video and the comic timing of Andy Kaufman, genius as always. And Carnivale is still bending my noodle.

Then this morning on the way to work I found out that Hunter S Thompson died and so I died a little myself.
He is one of the greatest influences when I think about “Why do I write?”

We will all miss you Doctor Gonzo.
May the lord God give me the strength to smite those who framed your death as a suicide
and avenge your murder.

2005-02-17T16:33:00.000-06:00

Lovelies

2005-02-16T17:19:00.000-06:00

I love this old timey sign at the corner shoppe near my house.
It's a molded plastic sign with lights on the inside and it stand all alone on this corner,
all attracting business with its sexy silhouetted shopper.

Does anybody shop in heels like that?
Dig that dated imagery.

My New Best Friend

2005-02-16T16:30:00.001-06:00

That's me and my new best friend
Propellerhead's Reason
Its a virtual studio where I can author and master beats
I like beats and riddem and such
It sorta makes the world go round
along with money and power.

I've been hammering away at Reason for a couple weeks now and I think it is a
super-bad, awesome
program.
Its the kind of great interface that a novice can walk up to and play with and feel like they accomplished a little sumpthin and a master can use to create full fleged, no shit, professional style beats.

A special thanks goes out to my man Hamptizzle for the hook up.

The Walrus

2005-02-15T17:39:00.000-06:00

I have spent the better part of the day thinking about death.

Specifically Paul's Death. Or the hoax therof.

If the Paul we know today is an imposter
he sure tore it up at the Superbowl halftime show.

And if its just a hoax,
how fascinating.

We will return to our regularly scheduled program tomorrow
hump day.

Do The Right Thing

2005-02-14T15:51:00.000-06:00

I did the right thing,

so why do I feel so crappy about it?

Bunny on MTV

2005-02-14T15:44:00.000-06:00

I saw Bunny on Room Raiders this weekend.
I was over at Rick's house and we were flipping through the channels
and I had already seen this pic so when we flipped past MTV I was all
"Holy Crap, that's Bunny from MeltingDolls, hold on right there."
I was pretty excited
and I wished I was the geek looking through the rooms
cause I want a date with Bunny
and I wouldn't have been as much of a dorkface as that guy was
and I would have totally picked Bunny based on that little box of toys.

and I totally shed a tear to know that bloggers are taking over pop culture.

Hi Bunny.

I Used to Be a Writer

2005-02-12T13:27:00.000-06:00

I used to be a writer and a lover and a fighter
and I used to balance treetops in my brain.

shibbity gibbetts took his top hat off and placed it on the rack
he walked quietly over to his table, in a booth, in the roadside cafe
tiny jukeboxes adorned each table top
patsy cline blinked and plinked through worn out speakers
the tabletop was grimy, aye gully, and the air was saturated with grease
the waitress, a gurl no older than fourteen sauntered over to shibbity gibblet's table and began to bleat her spiel.

jShibbert just raised his hand, all humble like and said
BLT, a slice of the key lime pie and a sugar free red bull on the rocks
dollface.
And dear, I can obviously see how my behavior could be misconstrued
so any friendly advice you have to offer
well frankly my dear you can cram it.

and then it orcurred to me that I might be too stoned for blogging.

to be continued...

Tragedy

2005-02-12T13:19:00.000-06:00

If you have neighbors who are beautiful girls
you should talk to them.
You really should.

What's really gonna bake your noodle later
is whether or not you would have not talked to them
whether I had said that
or not

huh?

WiFi

2005-02-12T12:56:00.000-06:00

I'm bloggin at my homies house
On my own WiFi laptop
and it feels good.

real good.

Time To Get ILL

2005-02-11T08:52:00.000-06:00

I've been very sick this week

I think I've had a touch of the ebola

I'll be back soon...

Survivor

2005-02-04T14:12:00.000-06:00

Wow! these folks are pretty badass.
But I think that in order to make it during sweeps week
Jeff Probst should have shown up
and give this crew a series of rigorous physical and mental challenges
to see who really wants the be the next CBS Survivor.

Arregato Homie

2005-02-04T14:03:00.000-06:00

homie, homie dontcha know me

Out of Vogue

2005-02-03T17:02:00.000-06:00

Times Change

Winter turns to Spring

Summer turns to Fall

Fashions follow suit.

I think there are some things that shouldn't fall out of vogue, although they sometimes do.

The thing that I am hinting at right now is *using your turn signals* my fellow dumbasses.

You see all cars are equipped with signal lights, some people call them blinkers.

They appear on the front and back of all cars.

Its the law.
Those things are a great invention and an excellent way to communicate with the drivers around you.

Those little fuckers are on the front line of highway safety.

You see, they indicate either a turn or more importantly, a lane change.

I don't know what its like where you live, but here in Austin and in the greater Texas area, using one's turn signal has become so passe it makes me want to puke,.. blood,.. out of mortal disgust.

People are like, "Hey look, I'm most of the way into this lane, maybe I should hit my signal" and blip, it comes on for one second, maybe one blink, but who the fuck cares now, you are already halfway in the next lane and if you were gonna cause a major fucking accident it would already be happening so don't even fucking bother with the blip, savvy? Can you hear me raising my voice? Well I am. Cause this pisses me off to no end.

It's not just to alert a car that might or might not be directly behind you. It alerts cars and pedestrians as to the future path of your vehicle in front and behind and on the side. It gives folks time to move out of your way or to alert you with their horn or not to step off a curb at that moment cause you are about to turn or change lanes. Its really a great tool for safety that people just don't have time or inclination or the fucking sense to use much anymore

It's so easy. Its right there by your hand when it's on the steering wheel. I know it's not a tough lever to work. It's not like it takes any elbow grease. It's really just a flicking motion in most cars. You only have to do it one way. Once you turn your wheel it snaps back to the ready position automatically. And you might say "Nuh uh, It don't pop back inta place all by itself when yur just changin lanes" and I might retort "well no shit Gomer, ya got me there, you lazy cunt."

This is kind of a symptom of a bigger problem in our modern world right now. We have lost touch of the art of driving as an activity all to itself . Drive down any highway in America and check out what's going on with the drivers around you. They are talkin on their mobile phones or eating or putting on makeup or checkin out other drivers around them to see what they are doing, but ain't nobody just driving. Did you know German's don't even put drink holders in most of their cars. They believe that when you are driving, you should just be driving, it's an activity that requires all of ones attention. It is a dangerous thing and requires focus. Well not round here I tells ya, how last year.
And that's why more people die in car accidents in America each day than the total amount of allied casualties in both WW One and Two. fuhreals dawg.

The Stoniest Stone

2005-02-03T11:55:00.000-06:00

Anti smokes the purdy-est nugs in town.

Oh how I do miss that Cali bud.

Friday's With JP

2005-02-02T17:03:00.001-06:00

That's JP .

He's one of the salesmen at my work.

He is also my buddy.

My job is one that requires me to be in my office, at my desk, most of the mf'n time.

Sometimes that is OK and I prefer that to a job where I gotta drive around all day.

Traffic makes me crazy.

But some days, usually on a Friday, JP will casually tell me that he wants me to come with him to have a look at this or that at some account that he mumbles under his breath. He asks if I have time.

This is a front, its total pretense.

JP is just looking for a reason to get me out of my office for a little while.

I am a pretty professional cat so I usually believe JP when he says that he is going to take me to an account and that I am going to assess a space that may or may not be suitable for signage.

I put on my game face (see above).

But as soon as we get our there in the market and JP gets to driving around from account to account

I soon realize that this is more of a field trip than a business lunch.

So I'm out there in the market, on a totally sanctioned field trip

and its Friday and I really don't feel like doing much on Friday's

and I realize that JP has my back, he's watching out for me,

and I realize that Friday's with JP

fuckin rawk.

Quitter

2005-02-02T15:41:00.000-06:00

For a second there, I was seriously considering closing the shop here.
For a New York minute I got to feelin' all sorry for my self
and I got to thinking about all the hits that I am not getting here
and I got to focusing on what I don't have and what I haven't accomplished rather than maintaining a healthy attitude about what I do have and just pressing on through the fog.

I can do it.

To me this is just a space for writing exercises.
But sometimes I get these grandiose notions that this space is something that it isn't.
I have no idea where it will lead, if anywhere, and I am OK with that. But man, sometimes it is so easy to sink into a state of utter negativity and that leads me to thinking about things like quitting.
And let me tell you, quitting is for straight suckas.

If I quit this exercise then I would be an Ex-Blogger. It would be so pathetic.
I talk about blogging quite often around my friends, but if I quit I would just talk about how I used to blog and that would be much more disgustingly small than just talking about being a blogger.
"I have a blog."
You might often hear me say but what if it was,
"I used to blog."
Now that's just sad

So I think I am going to continue to blog.
No matter what.

I might even try to start writing interesting things. How does that sound?
I'm just being self effacing there not self pitiful,
so chill.

Blogspiration

2005-01-28T16:08:00.000-06:00

I have always wanted a popular blog.

This is not a very popular blog.

Tetonne

2005-01-27T17:53:00.000-06:00

I thought this was pretty funny.

The best part is this quote by the devout Baptist man in the couple ~

"It was a pretty raunchy, explicit film, it certainly pulled no punches," Mr Leigh-Browne said.

"My wife and I were very shocked but we watched it until the end because we couldn't believe what we were seeing."

2005-01-27T16:49:00.000-06:00

I work with Beer

Voice of Vanity

2005-01-26T09:55:00.000-06:00

What did you say?
I said,Sometimes when somebody is speaking in their "regular" voice
even if it fits their lifestyle, region and profile
it's not always their voice in an unaffected manner
even if it sounds 'normal.'

The loose change in my mind beats at a steady riddem and deadly time
the garbled thoughts that swirl around my grey matter flex
and try to vex the moment that I'm living now.

How do they transcend the limitless defences that I've built within?
I thought my soul in an unassailable space,
where I crafted a castle in a hardened place.
A bluff on a hill where the atmosphere's real
and the townsfolk can't deal
and your mindstate they'll steal.

The Airbus is the Hindentanic of the modern sky.

Finnicky lusts in the night when you see that the time is just right
reeling with the wheeling and the dealing of the lewdness on the ceiling
and incediary feelings explode into
passion plasma supernovas.

The horror stricken faces in the saloon led the lean outlaw to believe
that his reputation had proceeded him.

The Back Story

2005-01-25T09:58:00.000-06:00

Stumbled across something of particular personal interest today.
First you gotta read this blogpost from Britcoal's archives,
scroll down and read the entry from Thursday May 27.

I came across this post whilst googling Ezra Fowler.
You see,
I still read Ezra's blog but I don't have it bookmarked so whenever I want to check up on it I just google Ezra Fowler. Ahead of Ezra's site Underlock was a mention of theminister.net in Britcoal's archives. Whenever I read the words theminister.net the memories come flooding back. I was a part of that close knit crew of friends who were a part of the blog community under Ezra's tutelage. In fact I was the one who gave Ezra the moniker 'The Minister of Brewed Beverages.' The 'Brewed Beverages' part came as part of my plan to take over the American political scene with a new party called The Beverage Party of America (I was really high most of the time back then). See the Beverage Party consists of a high council of ministers including
The Minister of Hot Beverages (not actually affiliated with theminister.net)
The Minister of Sweet Beverages
and The Minister of Beverages Concocted From Fruit
I was The Deputy Minister of Wordiness for The Beverage Party.
For a minute there we formed a tumultuous band called Hamotam.
That is only the origin of those names, Ezra kept the title The Minister cause I think he liked the sacrilegious aspect of it. He even had a fully functional online confessional.
Those were not the only people in The Minister's Circle,
there was Heather with the Lauren Tewes Fan Page,
and The Outlaw had his page kicking and there was Katherine Hand and Jenny Apple and Helen Jane , all of whom I didn't really know but they they knew Ezra. And then there was Glittergirl who lived in Sacramento and whom I never met but she was also quite taken with The Minister. I learned what a blog was from Ezra. He taught me how to set up a page. He taught me how to drive up traffic. I remember one time Ezra posted a Missed Connection on Craigslist that read 'I Had Sex with you on BART' (bart being bay area rapid transit) and it was this salacious tale about how someone had had sex with a total stranger on BART and the stranger had left their panties and there was a link to theminister.net. That was pretty cool. Ezra also did a lot with meta tags back when google was just getting revved up.

So Ezra had this web ring that kept us all in close contact during the day, I thought that what we had going was the bees knees, I thought our little web crew was the best and even back then I knew that we were a shining example of what blogs could be used for. It was an extention of our lives and our friendship. Then somewhere between the planes hitting the towers and Ezra taking down the site everything just spun out of control. I mentioned our musical endeavors, well part of the thing that tore our lives apart and tore mine and Ezra's friendship asunder was our creative differences. Things might have been cooler if it weren't for the steady stream of narcotics. I for one was pretty much spun the hell out from 9/11/01 all the way up until October 2003. I was so tweaked out I didn't know what an asshole I had become.

So Ezra and I had a falling out over a girl or two. We were both getting deep into our respective poisons. And like I say I had become quite the certifiable asshole. You see the thing is that when you snort meth (my chosen poison) its really hard to control the inflection of your voice which leads to a lot of misunderstandings. Its not worth splitting hairs over now but lots of foolish factors led to ruined friendships and burnt bridges. By Summer of '03 Ezra and I weren't even on speaking terms. I remember one thing that I did that started to drive the wedge between me and The Minister. In the spring of '02 Ezra went to Amsterdam. In his absence he gave me license to use his web page and to even post as The Minister. I guess he had only intended to have guest bloggers be themselves but I did all these posts as 'Ezra while wasted' and I think I was a little harsh on his self admitted alcoholic tendencies. I think I would have been more careful about things if I had known what the consequences would be.

One thing that I can mention that would explain the final nails in the coffin on theminister.net would be something that I read in Ezra's current blog about a year ago. I can't really remember the context but Ezra was talking about a conversation that he had with his Dad. Apparently his dad asked him what had happened to all his savings and his reply was simply (and I paraphrase) "..up my nose Dad." Much like my own life in San Fran Ezra's life seemed to have gone up his nose. The whole mess was pretty unfortunate.

Luckily however, I survived. Also quite lucky, Ezra survived. The friendships were dust in the wind but our lives were spared. I went back to Texas and he went to Florida. Ezra spent the last couple years getting things back in order. I believe that he attended a school for sound recording. According to his current blog he just moved to Portland this month. I got my shit together and I like the way things are but I can't help but wonder what would have happened if things hadn't gotten so out of hand. Where would the band be right now, where would theminister.net be right now. I have said it before and I will say it again, I am sorry, I am sorry to Ez and to all the people that were involved in that mess,
but dammit
it all felt so alive
even the shit
parts.

When I read that about theminister.net in Britcoal's archives, it made me feel really proud to have been part of that close knit crew of friends. It also made me realize that I have been blogging (not on this blog) since the early on in the life of the beast. So the next time any of you suckas feel like I just need to shut up about blogging already and you say that blogs "are so '04" well you better check yourselves cause I was there from the beginning bitches.

Epinions

2005-01-24T17:14:00.000-06:00

I have spent a great deal of my life attempting NOT to form opinions about every damn subject under the sun.

I am an American.
Americans are the most litigious people this world has ever known.
Litigation demands that you have an opinion on the matter at hand.
capitalism is a very competitive economic plan, and it creates an environment where competition is rewarded.
Most folks compete on a the daily based on their divergent opinions.
Other folks commiserate on the daily based on their concurrent opinions.
Ebullient opinions make me ill.

This is a very polarized world and we(USA) are at the center of the world wide shitstorm of polar opposites.
It's a Jihad world we're living in. Choose your side. Muslim or Christian, Democrat or Republican, Freedom or Terror, Mac or PC, Coke or Dr. Pepper, choose muthafucka... Which side is you on? and what is your opinion on (fill in the blank)?
unfortunate, methinks.

The aforementioned are current events (that seem to seek to destroy our world) but the social milieu in America, that I'm talkin bout here, has always been one of choosing sides, right and wrong, 'us and ours' versus 'them.' It has seemed that all my waking life has been in a society where everybody feels as if they have to form an opinion on every subject in creation. People act like if you don't have an opinion on any and all subjects then you are an incomplete human. Its like they equate the formation of your opinions with the cellular mitosis that takes you from an egg and zygote to a walking, talking bag of hormones and bullshit.

And to that I say poppycock.

I am a walking, talking example of someone who has lived a very full and complete existence without having to opine about every topic in the zoo. Moreover, I have found it to be an advantageous strategy to NOT voice my opinion about every topic that comes up in conversation that I might have formed an opinion about. This is not to say that you shouldn't speak your mind or that discourse isn't important. Its very important to exchange ideas, especially in efforts of mutual understanding. But opinions should only be formed from real world experience and should only be hauled out into the spotlight for the purpose of instruction and enlightenment and not just for the purpose of hearing your own voice and elevating said voice above that of your homie who is offering a dissenting opinion.

I realize now that if I had formed more opinions on a more wide array of subjects that I might have more to blog about here and now.
But what's really important is that I am posting on a Monday.