The Labyrinth of the Heart
I am lonely.There is a noticeable lack of romance in my life.
And of sex but I think it is romance that I am longing for.
I am in a catch 22 situation the likes of which I have only observed, never experienced. And I certainly have never been the catalyst of futility as such as I seem to be in this particular personal quagmire.
Let me try to explain.
I want to get laid. But I don't really care that much for casual sex. Sex is only like a hundred times better when there is some or better yet a lot of emotion involved. I have been in love and I have had casual sex and there is hardly any comparison, apples and fucking oranges I tells ya. Don't get me wrong, if a beautiful women asks me to fuck her I will, but just by asking she has displayed the kind of reciprocal emotion that I need to enjoy myself whilst making sweet love.
I was cavorting with this young waitress from my old work. We were hooking it up intermittently to relieve some stress. She is a hot little thing. She just wasn't into me the way I need someone to be. So I let that die back in April and she has gone to Massachusetts for the Summer. Since then the only thing that has come my way came with a ring on her finger and some serious baggage to handle overseas. She should be returning from her trip to see her husband like today. But who knows what went on between them and isn't it just my luck that the only woman who has shown any interest in me in quite some time just happens to be trapped in a relationship situation that isn't even fit to write about here.
Which conveniently brings me to my next point.
I am not running. I am walking.
I refuse to chase women at this advanced stage of human understanding. Cause I know the truth. As a man, it doesn't matter which one you choose, what matters is which one chooses you. Most of my relationships have been under the circumstances of a beautiful women deciding that I was her sweet babu. This strategy worked out best in the Bay Area where there exist truly liberated women who don't believe any of that old bullshit about the man making the first move. It seems to be a little different here in Austin. Seems like some of that old fashioned bullshit still holds sway.
I'm not asking for numbers in bars, I'm not chatting up hotties at the gym and I damn sure ain't sending flowers to girls that I secretly admire. Those were foolish things I did in my youth and they never really led anywhere. Although those things always at least keep my fire warm for the possibility of romance. But these days those things seem like sporting equipment. In that I mean lifeless without the players. But maybe I should start putting myself out there a little bit more. But whenever I get rejected I get discouraged. I just need to go out and get rejected like thirty times in one night and build up a little callous. You know, play the odds a little bit. I think that might make me feel better. Its not that I am scared to talk to women. I'm quite good at it actually. Its not that I lack charm or attractive qualities, geez man I'm brimming with both and I'm also obviously quite modest. Its just that how can I get rejected if I'm not clear on what I want. I don't think I want a one night stand but then again I do want to get laid.
Yar ~ This post is starting to stink.
Anywho,...I'm not miserable but I can feel a distinct void.
I feel better about all this shit just by writing it down and putting it out there...
here.
I am lonely.
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