Student Council President
I beat my best friend for the office of student council president in the sixth grade.
My speech was based on the Jon Lovitz, “That’s the Ticket” character.
It was hilarious.
I was not the most qualified man for the job.
I brought shame to the office.
I got kicked out of school on the last day of that year for calling a girl a “bitch” at recess.
My opponent, my best friend at the time, was beaten only by the speech.
He was a fine, upstanding young man who most certainly would have taken his duties as student council president much more seriously.
He would have also most certainly clenched the nomination had I not so slyly executed that side-splitting speech.
I was just not as mature and businesslike as was my friend.
I was just not capable of taking anything too seriously at that stage in my development.
Beside that, my parents had divorced that year and I was desperate for acceptance.
That thing was a great way for me to remind myself that I was loved and wanted.
Being student council president fucking rocked.
After my term in office the administration appended a strict rule to student council nomination speeches.
The rule ~ NO Funny Speeches.
That friend has just moved to Austin.
I have not talked to him yet.
We stayed friends after elementary school but I have not talked to him in about nine years.
I have sent him two e-mails requesting that he contact me.
I think I’m gonna beat him to the punch and call him.
I hope he is not still holding on to that sixth grade grudge.
|
Elton.wav Rhymes
I’m not a freestyler
Or a crime fighter
On a wicked rewind
But I am a realistic rhyme writer
DonChanow? Senor Hater
that you’re a style biter
you wish you was me
A real crowd exciter
Don’t flex that harvest
Less you prepped for the test
Your gameplan express
A weakness at chess
And all kinds of other strategy games
Like the gameplan in life that you’ve piped is quite lame
But you lay it the same
For a chance at some fame
And bray on the street corner for nuggets of change
And prey on the farmer
For buckets of rain
Old wounds open easy
Read a few lines and memories come tease thee
Torments about the could haves should breeze frees
And leaves ye low down and feelin’ sleazy
Now come please me
|
Dentist
I went to the dentist last Thursday.
It was something that had been swimming around my head and my molars for some time now.
My last dental visit was in the summer of 2000. I had a pretty great check up back then and I was worried that the last four years of drug abuse and general debauchery had fucked up my teeth something fierce.
There was one place in particular on the upper right side where I could insert the tip of my fingernail. I thought for sure that it was a cavity and I figured that it couldn't be my only one.
Well as it turns out, after all that time away from dental cleaning, and like I say, ingesting all manner of horrible substance, and smoking a fair, if not a copious amount.
I don't have any cavities.
FU tooth decay.
The place that was gaping that I could gage with my nail was just brush abrasion. Apparently I don't know my own strength when it comes to brushing. That did require an aesthetic fill but that was easy enough and they have these video glasses at my dentists' office that you can slip on when you are having a lengthy procedure and you can just drift off into movie majick while they scrape and drill and fill your shit. And my dentist is a lady and she's kind of hot and really nice.
I wasn't really worried cause I was told, back in the day, that I have a very acidic ph balance in my body and that makes for very acidic saliva which is not very friendly towards tooth decay and the germs that cause gingivitis. Plus, my obsessive compulsive tendencies manifest themselves in my oral hygiene habits.
When I'm nervous, I brush or floss. That's a great way of making your mental health weaknesses work for you, you should try it.
sidenote ~
My dentist said that I remind her of the supporting role from the movie
Serendipitywhich I had never seen, but it turns out that she means
Jeremy Pivenwho is playing a character called Ari on one of my favorite new shows,
Entouragewhich I suppose is an accurate assessment
cause we both have short thin hair
and much like most of the characters that Jeremy Piven plays
I too am a real dick.
but I prefer the other star that people have been comparing me to
which is Party Boy,
Chris Pontius.
|
Weekend Wrap Up section 02.18
Live Music Capitol of the World. That’s what they call Austin.
I think they should change that to Live Music CrapHole of the World.
I suppose that if you are from Kabul or Phnom Phen, it might seem like there is a lot of great live music here.
I agree that there is a LOT of LIVE music.
Or rather there are a lot of venues that feature as their entertainment a group of guys or gals that are holding in their hands, instruments intended for musical productions, and said instruments or noisemakers are indeed plugged into power supplies and then fed through amplification devices, and said group of humans are usually operating their respective instruments within some conceivable limits of the possibility of functions of said instruments, producing what could definitely be called sounds and most likely be called noise and in some cases ~ music.
If that’s what you mean by “live music” then yes we might could be called Live Music Capitol of ,..something or other.
I went to Beerland on Friday night in the Red River district of towne. I won’t mention the name of the band that was headlining the evening, but between this featured band and the two that preceded it I heard very little music. Now let me add this caveat, I don’t really like Rock and Roll. I do however love good music and sometimes that includes the genre of Rock. My personal preference when it comes to music is only partly clouding my opinion on this subject. The other primary factor in being so harsh on the Austin music scene is that the cross section of all music that I have “checked out “ around this town is crap.
Not like, “I don’t like country, so I hate this song” kinda crap.
Its more like, “Between the overwhelming feedback and the screaming singer, this hardly resembles music” kinda crap.
Most of the acts that you go to see at most venues just need more practice, I just don’t want to pay a cover to hear a band practice.
If you are in a band in Austin and you are getting your feeling hurt, well don’t
Just get better
And we’ll be straight.
A Scanner Darkly is gonna be a great flick.
My buddy Beans is working on the animation part of the film.
The technique is called rotoscoping, and its super-bad.
If you saw
Waking Life, then you have seen rotoscoping before but you have never really seen anything like this.
The style is both loose and tight at the same time
We went to see
Constantine on Saturday afternoon cause the
Scanner preview was playing before it.
Constantine was a horrible move but Scanner looks super cool. I am so proud that my buddy is working on a major motion picture. That’s tight.
Constantine was another one of these flicks that has all the elements of a good movie but it can’t hold together because of the complexity of the story and so it just kind of falls apart. There were too many elements of the story, for even the most skilled of filmmakers, to unify for the silver screen. Besides, the Jon Constantine character is just a derivative of the Neo character from
The Matrix films. It’s a part that Keanu does well, in fact I think that’s just the real Keanu but that’s what most Hollywood actors do. They play themselves, ad nauseum.
The best part of
Constantine was the Hell imagery. Since Heaven and Hell are right here in this space but on different planes then Hell looks just like the world around you except it is engulfed in a firestorm. That was pretty cool and might make you look differently at your surroundings. And also I liked the Angel Gabriel. He was played by a British actress who made him seem androgynous and sweet and wicked all at the some time.
Oh yeah, and horrible editintg.
One and one half stars for
Constantine, and I can’t tell if I’m being harsh or generous.
Sunday was hella relaxing. I slept late and went for a rainy round of disc golf at Pease Park with Beans. He won and I was OK with that. I got all this minutiae taken care of in the afternoon, which included but was not limited to grocery shopping and laundry and cleaning my bathroom and cooking myself a nutritious meal. I like getting stuff like that done cause it makes me feel all sorted out even though I might be far from it. Then I settled in with a spliff and some FOX Sunday nite programming.
The Simpsons was excellent and it took on the subject of gay marriage with the gentle handling of a Army Instructional Video and the comic timing of Andy Kaufman, genius as always. And
Carnivale is still bending my noodle.
Then this morning on the way to work I found out that Hunter S Thompson died and so I died a little myself.
He is one of the greatest influences when I think about “Why do I write?”
We will all miss you Doctor Gonzo.
May the lord God give me the strength to smite those who framed your death as a suicide
and avenge your murder.
|
Lovelies
|
I love this old timey sign at the corner shoppe near my house.
It's a molded plastic sign with lights on the inside and it stand all alone on this corner,
all attracting business with its sexy silhouetted shopper.
Does anybody shop in heels like that?
Dig that dated imagery.
|
My New Best Friend
That's me and my new best friend
Propellerhead's
ReasonIts a virtual studio where I can author and master beats
I like beats and riddem and such
It sorta makes the world go round
along with money and power.
I've been hammering away at Reason for a couple weeks now and I think it is a
super-bad, awesome
program.
Its the kind of great interface that a novice can walk up to and play with and feel like they accomplished a little sumpthin and a master can use to create full fleged, no shit, professional style beats.
A special thanks goes out to my man Hamptizzle for the hook up.
|
The Walrus
I have spent the better part of the day thinking about death.
Specifically
Paul's Death. Or the hoax therof.
If the Paul we know today is an imposter
he sure tore it up at the Superbowl halftime show.
And if its just a hoax,
how fascinating.
We will return to our regularly scheduled program tomorrow
hump day.
|
Do The Right Thing
I did the right thing,
so why do I feel so crappy about it?
|
Bunny on MTV
I saw
Bunny on Room Raiders this weekend.
I was over at Rick's house and we were flipping through the channels
and I had already seen this pic so when we flipped past MTV I was all
"Holy Crap, that's Bunny from MeltingDolls, hold on right there."
I was pretty excited
and I wished I was the geek looking through the rooms
cause I want a date with Bunny
and I wouldn't have been as much of a dorkface as that guy was
and I would have totally picked Bunny based on that little box of toys.
and I totally shed a tear to know that bloggers are taking over pop culture.
Hi Bunny.
|
I Used to Be a Writer
I used to be a writer and a lover and a fighter
and I used to balance treetops in my brain.
shibbity gibbetts took his top hat off and placed it on the rack
he walked quietly over to his table, in a booth, in the roadside cafe
tiny jukeboxes adorned each table top
patsy cline blinked and plinked through worn out speakers
the tabletop was grimy, aye gully, and the air was saturated with grease
the waitress, a gurl no older than fourteen sauntered over to shibbity gibblet's table and began to bleat her spiel.
jShibbert just raised his hand, all humble like and said
BLT, a slice of the key lime pie and a sugar free red bull on the rocks
dollface.
And dear, I can obviously see how my behavior could be misconstrued
so any friendly advice you have to offer
well frankly my dear you can cram it.
and then it orcurred to me that I might be too stoned for blogging.
to be continued...
|
Tragedy
If you have neighbors who are beautiful girls
you should talk to them.
You really should.
What's really gonna bake your noodle later
is whether or not you would have not talked to them
whether I had said that
or not
huh?
|
WiFi
I'm bloggin at my homies house
On my own WiFi laptop
and it feels good.
real good.
|
Time To Get ILL
I've been very sick this week
I think I've had a touch of the
ebolaI'll be back soon...
|
Survivor
Wow!
these folks are pretty badass.
But I think that in order to make it during sweeps week
Jeff Probst should have shown up
and give this crew a series of rigorous physical and mental challenges
to see who really wants the be the next CBS Survivor.
|
Arregato Homie
homie, homie dontcha know me
|
Out of Vogue
Times Change
Winter turns to Spring
Summer turns to Fall
Fashions follow suit.
I think there are some things that shouldn't fall out of vogue, although they sometimes do.
The thing that I am hinting at right now is *using your turn signals* my fellow dumbasses.
You see all cars are equipped with signal lights, some people call them blinkers.
They appear on the front and back of all cars.
Its the law.
Those things are a great invention and an excellent way to communicate with the drivers around you.
Those little fuckers are on the front line of highway safety.
You see, they indicate either a turn or more importantly, a lane change.
I don't know what its like where you live, but here in Austin and in the greater Texas area, using one's turn signal has become so passe it makes me want to puke,.. blood,.. out of mortal disgust.
People are like, "Hey look, I'm most of the way into this lane, maybe I should hit my signal" and blip, it comes on for one second, maybe one blink, but who the fuck cares now, you are already halfway in the next lane and if you were gonna cause a major fucking accident it would already be happening so don't even fucking bother with the blip, savvy? Can you hear me raising my voice? Well I am. Cause this pisses me off to no end.
It's not just to alert a car that might or might not be directly behind you. It alerts cars and pedestrians as to the future path of your vehicle in front and behind and on the side. It gives folks time to move out of your way or to alert you with their horn or not to step off a curb at that moment cause you are about to turn or change lanes. Its really a great tool for safety that people just don't have time or inclination or the fucking sense to use much anymore
It's so easy. Its right there by your hand when it's on the steering wheel. I know it's not a tough lever to work. It's not like it takes any elbow grease. It's really just a flicking motion in most cars. You only have to do it one way. Once you turn your wheel it snaps back to the ready position automatically. And you might say "Nuh uh, It don't pop back inta place all by itself when yur just changin lanes" and I might retort "well no shit Gomer, ya got me there, you lazy cunt."
This is kind of a symptom of a bigger problem in our modern world right now. We have lost touch of the art of driving as an activity all to itself . Drive down any highway in America and check out what's going on with the drivers around you. They are talkin on their mobile phones or eating or putting on makeup or checkin out other drivers around them to see what they are doing, but ain't nobody just driving. Did you know German's don't even put drink holders in most of their cars. They believe that when you are driving, you should just be driving, it's an activity that requires all of ones attention. It is a dangerous thing and requires focus. Well not round here I tells ya, how last year.
And that's why more people die in car accidents in America each day than the total amount of allied casualties in both WW One and Two. fuhreals dawg.
|
The Stoniest Stone
Anti smokes the purdy-est nugs in town.
Oh how I do miss that Cali bud.
|
Friday's With JP
That's JP .
He's one of the salesmen at my work.
He is also my buddy.
My job is one that requires me to be in my office, at my desk, most of the mf'n time.
Sometimes that is OK and I prefer that to a job where I gotta drive around all day.
Traffic makes me crazy.
But some days, usually on a Friday, JP will casually tell me that he wants me to come with him to have a look at this or that at some account that he mumbles under his breath. He asks if I have time.
This is a front, its total pretense.
JP is just looking for a reason to get me out of my office for a little while.
I am a pretty professional cat so I usually believe JP when he says that he is going to take me to an account and that I am going to assess a space that may or may not be suitable for signage.
I put on my game face (see above).
But as soon as we get our there in the market and JP gets to driving around from account to account
I soon realize that this is more of a field trip than a business lunch.
So I'm out there in the market, on a totally sanctioned field trip
and its Friday and I really don't feel like doing much on Friday's
and I realize that JP has my back, he's watching out for me,
and I realize that Friday's with JP
fuckin rawk.
|
Quitter
For a second there, I was seriously considering closing the shop here.
For a New York minute I got to feelin' all sorry for my self
and I got to thinking about all the hits that I am not getting here
and I got to focusing on what I don't have and what I haven't accomplished rather than maintaining a healthy attitude about what I do have and just pressing on through the fog.
I can do it.
To me this is just a space for writing exercises.
But sometimes I get these grandiose notions that this space is something that it isn't.
I have no idea where it will lead, if anywhere, and I am OK with that. But man, sometimes it is so easy to sink into a state of utter negativity and that leads me to thinking about things like quitting.
And let me tell you, quitting is for straight suckas.
If I quit this exercise then I would be an Ex-Blogger. It would be so pathetic.
I talk about blogging quite often around my friends, but if I quit I would just talk about how I used to blog and that would be much more disgustingly small than just talking about being a blogger.
"I have a blog."
You might often hear me say but what if it was,
"I used to blog."
Now that's just sad
So I think I am going to continue to blog.
No matter what.
I might even try to start writing interesting things. How does that sound?
I'm just being self effacing there not self pitiful,
so chill.
|
