Character Development: 01/01/2005

28.1.05

Blogspiration

I have always wanted a popular blog.

This is not a very popular blog.

27.1.05

Tetonne

I thought this was pretty funny.

The best part is this quote by the devout Baptist man in the couple ~

"It was a pretty raunchy, explicit film, it certainly pulled no punches," Mr Leigh-Browne said.

"My wife and I were very shocked but we watched it until the end because we couldn't believe what we were seeing."

I work with Beer

26.1.05

Voice of Vanity

What did you say?
I said,Sometimes when somebody is speaking in their "regular" voice
even if it fits their lifestyle, region and profile
it's not always their voice in an unaffected manner
even if it sounds 'normal.'

The loose change in my mind beats at a steady riddem and deadly time
the garbled thoughts that swirl around my grey matter flex
and try to vex the moment that I'm living now.

How do they transcend the limitless defences that I've built within?
I thought my soul in an unassailable space,
where I crafted a castle in a hardened place.
A bluff on a hill where the atmosphere's real
and the townsfolk can't deal
and your mindstate they'll steal.

The Airbus is the Hindentanic of the modern sky.

Finnicky lusts in the night when you see that the time is just right
reeling with the wheeling and the dealing of the lewdness on the ceiling
and incediary feelings explode into
passion plasma supernovas.

The horror stricken faces in the saloon led the lean outlaw to believe
that his reputation had proceeded him.

25.1.05

The Back Story

Stumbled across something of particular personal interest today.
First you gotta read this blogpost from Britcoal's archives,
scroll down and read the entry from Thursday May 27.

I came across this post whilst googling Ezra Fowler.
You see,
I still read Ezra's blog but I don't have it bookmarked so whenever I want to check up on it I just google Ezra Fowler. Ahead of Ezra's site Underlock was a mention of theminister.net in Britcoal's archives. Whenever I read the words theminister.net the memories come flooding back. I was a part of that close knit crew of friends who were a part of the blog community under Ezra's tutelage. In fact I was the one who gave Ezra the moniker 'The Minister of Brewed Beverages.' The 'Brewed Beverages' part came as part of my plan to take over the American political scene with a new party called The Beverage Party of America (I was really high most of the time back then). See the Beverage Party consists of a high council of ministers including
The Minister of Hot Beverages (not actually affiliated with theminister.net)
The Minister of Sweet Beverages
and The Minister of Beverages Concocted From Fruit
I was The Deputy Minister of Wordiness for The Beverage Party.
For a minute there we formed a tumultuous band called Hamotam.
That is only the origin of those names, Ezra kept the title The Minister cause I think he liked the sacrilegious aspect of it. He even had a fully functional online confessional.
Those were not the only people in The Minister's Circle,
there was Heather with the Lauren Tewes Fan Page,
and The Outlaw had his page kicking and there was Katherine Hand and Jenny Apple and Helen Jane , all of whom I didn't really know but they they knew Ezra. And then there was Glittergirl who lived in Sacramento and whom I never met but she was also quite taken with The Minister. I learned what a blog was from Ezra. He taught me how to set up a page. He taught me how to drive up traffic. I remember one time Ezra posted a Missed Connection on Craigslist that read 'I Had Sex with you on BART' (bart being bay area rapid transit) and it was this salacious tale about how someone had had sex with a total stranger on BART and the stranger had left their panties and there was a link to theminister.net. That was pretty cool. Ezra also did a lot with meta tags back when google was just getting revved up.

So Ezra had this web ring that kept us all in close contact during the day, I thought that what we had going was the bees knees, I thought our little web crew was the best and even back then I knew that we were a shining example of what blogs could be used for. It was an extention of our lives and our friendship. Then somewhere between the planes hitting the towers and Ezra taking down the site everything just spun out of control. I mentioned our musical endeavors, well part of the thing that tore our lives apart and tore mine and Ezra's friendship asunder was our creative differences. Things might have been cooler if it weren't for the steady stream of narcotics. I for one was pretty much spun the hell out from 9/11/01 all the way up until October 2003. I was so tweaked out I didn't know what an asshole I had become.

So Ezra and I had a falling out over a girl or two. We were both getting deep into our respective poisons. And like I say I had become quite the certifiable asshole. You see the thing is that when you snort meth (my chosen poison) its really hard to control the inflection of your voice which leads to a lot of misunderstandings. Its not worth splitting hairs over now but lots of foolish factors led to ruined friendships and burnt bridges. By Summer of '03 Ezra and I weren't even on speaking terms. I remember one thing that I did that started to drive the wedge between me and The Minister. In the spring of '02 Ezra went to Amsterdam. In his absence he gave me license to use his web page and to even post as The Minister. I guess he had only intended to have guest bloggers be themselves but I did all these posts as 'Ezra while wasted' and I think I was a little harsh on his self admitted alcoholic tendencies. I think I would have been more careful about things if I had known what the consequences would be.

One thing that I can mention that would explain the final nails in the coffin on theminister.net would be something that I read in Ezra's current blog about a year ago. I can't really remember the context but Ezra was talking about a conversation that he had with his Dad. Apparently his dad asked him what had happened to all his savings and his reply was simply (and I paraphrase) "..up my nose Dad." Much like my own life in San Fran Ezra's life seemed to have gone up his nose. The whole mess was pretty unfortunate.

Luckily however, I survived. Also quite lucky, Ezra survived. The friendships were dust in the wind but our lives were spared. I went back to Texas and he went to Florida. Ezra spent the last couple years getting things back in order. I believe that he attended a school for sound recording. According to his current blog he just moved to Portland this month. I got my shit together and I like the way things are but I can't help but wonder what would have happened if things hadn't gotten so out of hand. Where would the band be right now, where would theminister.net be right now. I have said it before and I will say it again, I am sorry, I am sorry to Ez and to all the people that were involved in that mess,
but dammit
it all felt so alive
even the shit
parts.

When I read that about theminister.net in Britcoal's archives, it made me feel really proud to have been part of that close knit crew of friends. It also made me realize that I have been blogging (not on this blog) since the early on in the life of the beast. So the next time any of you suckas feel like I just need to shut up about blogging already and you say that blogs "are so '04" well you better check yourselves cause I was there from the beginning bitches.

24.1.05

Epinions

I have spent a great deal of my life attempting NOT to form opinions about every damn subject under the sun.

I am an American.
Americans are the most litigious people this world has ever known.
Litigation demands that you have an opinion on the matter at hand.
capitalism is a very competitive economic plan, and it creates an environment where competition is rewarded.
Most folks compete on a the daily based on their divergent opinions.
Other folks commiserate on the daily based on their concurrent opinions.
Ebullient opinions make me ill.

This is a very polarized world and we(USA) are at the center of the world wide shitstorm of polar opposites.
It's a Jihad world we're living in. Choose your side. Muslim or Christian, Democrat or Republican, Freedom or Terror, Mac or PC, Coke or Dr. Pepper, choose muthafucka... Which side is you on? and what is your opinion on (fill in the blank)?
unfortunate, methinks.

The aforementioned are current events (that seem to seek to destroy our world) but the social milieu in America, that I'm talkin bout here, has always been one of choosing sides, right and wrong, 'us and ours' versus 'them.' It has seemed that all my waking life has been in a society where everybody feels as if they have to form an opinion on every subject in creation. People act like if you don't have an opinion on any and all subjects then you are an incomplete human. Its like they equate the formation of your opinions with the cellular mitosis that takes you from an egg and zygote to a walking, talking bag of hormones and bullshit.

And to that I say poppycock.

I am a walking, talking example of someone who has lived a very full and complete existence without having to opine about every topic in the zoo. Moreover, I have found it to be an advantageous strategy to NOT voice my opinion about every topic that comes up in conversation that I might have formed an opinion about. This is not to say that you shouldn't speak your mind or that discourse isn't important. Its very important to exchange ideas, especially in efforts of mutual understanding. But opinions should only be formed from real world experience and should only be hauled out into the spotlight for the purpose of instruction and enlightenment and not just for the purpose of hearing your own voice and elevating said voice above that of your homie who is offering a dissenting opinion.

I realize now that if I had formed more opinions on a more wide array of subjects that I might have more to blog about here and now.
But what's really important is that I am posting on a Monday.

20.1.05

Choose a Path (fool)

Things are pretty well sorted out in my life right now.
I've got all my ducks in a row so to speak.
Some of these mundane but important facets of my life include but are not limited to ~
~ rent, bills, automobile, fitness, friends, family relationships, computing hardware, etc.
In a way I am very content with what I have and where I am going and how I am handling things in general.

But there has got to be more,
at least for me anyways. I have all these things all sorted out and yet I know there is something else for me.

I said these things to Beans and as I trailed off with the rhetorical statement "...but I desire something more."
he answered "Greatness."
And yeah that sounded right but that's not exactly what I mean.
I do want greatness but I know that it comes in many forms and at many possible different points in any given life.
Some people aren't recognized for their greatness until after they are dead for example,
and that would be fine with me.
What I really want is to create is a scenario in which there is the possibility that I will be lauded as a great man and my life might possibly be held up as an example of a life well lived.
I want a greatness lottery ticket.

Specifically I want to be recognized as a great artist and achieve some measure of success for my artistic endeavors, which brings up the really crucial question I am asking myself at this little life crux ~
On what medium do I focus?

I know that I don't have to choose just one and as Beans suggested maybe I need to look for something that synthesizes mediums and takes advantage of my varied talents.
That sounds good and I used to think that meant making flicks but now I'm not so sure.
I don't think I really have that much talent (like human dynamo style) and I think a better path that would assure a larger chance of achieving this amorphous thing that I'm talking about would be to pick one thing that maybe I am the best at and go with it,
whether that be writing, or painting, or music production, or digital graphics, or what have you.
I am however at a loss to pinpoint my strongest suit, savvy?
It's hard to know what I am best at from my warped first person viewpoint.

I'm good at a few different things, but I want to be great at something.

Another factor in this equation is that all those minute things that it takes to keep ones life in order,
well all those things take up a certain amount of time and energy.
I currently feel unable to budget my time and energy in a manner that allows me to pursue the endeavors that I know need to get tackled in order to even have a chance at the greatness lottery.
savvy?

I have posted similar rants in the past.
I think this is a deep and complex topic and I may revisit it frequently until I work it out as a thought process,
and turn it into an action process.

I think this is just about decision making and the application of discipline along those chosen decisions.
Make what you believe manifest.

Lubbock or Leave It

My super talented friend Lizzy made this wicked video about our hometown of Lubbock Texas.

My favorite part is the title screen that says
The Texas South Plains
~the opposite of fancy

you gotta check it out.

And Lizzy, I heard you and Mark got engaged,
hella congratulations lady.

FU James Dobson

This Focus on th Family moron James Dobson is attacking Spongebob
and declaring that he is gay.

I think Spongebob needs to kick your sorry ass Mr Dobson.

That's what I would do if somebody stood up at an event and declared that I was gay,
just cause sometimes I hold hands with my buddy Patrick.

I watch Spongebob and let me tell ya, he ain't gay,
but that doesn't even begin to cover what the fuck is wrong with this.

18.1.05

Picking Mushrooms

Did you know that psychedelic mushrooms grow in the wild, in shit, on ranches here in Texas?
If you are willing to do a little bit of trespassing reconnaissance
you can get your bent for free.
I found this out my freshman year of college.

There was this guy that lived down the hall from me at Simkins dormitory at the University of Texas. His name was Jackson and he was a major hellian. He was one of those kids that got sent off to military school pretty early in his education. He had behavioral problems. You could tell that the amount of evil, nefarious, thoroughly rebellious information that he gleaned from the military academy far outweighed any actual constructive life skills that I'm sure his parents had hoped would straighten him out. We were acquaintances, possibly associates, hardly friends. He was one of those guys that I kept my eye on because I felt it would be advantageous to have him as an ally rather than an enemy in most any given situation.

It was his idea. Oh sure I was in on the planning and collusion as soon as I heard the basics of the scheme but the inception was his. Jackson led me to believe that just outside of town, on any ranch with grain fed cows, on any moist warm evening, one could easily pick the rudest of psychedelic shrooms armed only with a flashlight. He claimed to have done it many times. The hard part is of course the trespassing issue. The issue of not getting caught. The issue of not getting shot. The plan was laced with danger but the payoff seemed to good to pass up. A free buzz, it sounded so sweet.

Jackson had the knowledge but no method of transport. I didn't know where to go or what to look for but I had a Chevy Beretta. We agreed to a limited partnership. We agreed to go together to pick mushrooms. We agreed that since I would drive and he would show me how that whatever we picked we would split on our return to town. He thought we should take 290 out toward Bastrop and look for the ranches that had grain elevators. Turns out that only the grain fed cows would produce the proper refuse that is conducive to growing mushrooms that contained psilocybin, or the shit that gets you high.

So we set out. We waited till after dark. We found a suitably non-descript farm to market road about 25 miles south east of town. We turned down that road and started looking for grain storage. We found a pasture with a structure that we thought was for storing grain. I parked as far as I could off the road. We got out of the car with our flashlights and bags for transport and we jumped a barbed wire fence and began our mushroom hunt.

The first thing we did was get off away from the road so our flashlights couldn't be seen by any passing vehicles. Then Jackson gave me a lesson in telling the difference between the kind of mushrooms we were looking for and a kind of mushroom that looked almost identical but was poisonous without the visuals and euphoria. He also tried to show me the best places to look. He had obviously done this before because within a few moments of searching around these pastures he had picked quite a few shrooms. I on the other hand was having a difficult time locating the right specimens. I was also pretty preoccupied with keeping tabs on Jackson. If we got separated and I had to leave him out in the middle of nowhere it might be a bad scene. So I sort of followed him since he knew what to do and what to look for. After about half an hour we decided that we should go back to the car and get off this fella's land.

Back at the car it became apparent that Jackson had picked almost a whole trash sack full of shrooms. There was only four or five mushrooms in my sack but that didn't concern me because the agreement had been one of fifty fifty partnership. I drove he picked, we would split the bounty evenly in accordance with our agreement. We headed back to town.

As we drove Jackson began to inform me of what he planned to do with his sack of shrooms. I reminded him about the agreement that we had hammered out before we even got in the car to go on this mission. His memory suddenly drew a blank and he was unable to recalled said agreement. As far as he was concerned he was going to keep his full sack because that's what he had picked and I would be left to my measly four or five small shrooms probably not even enough for a solid buzz. I reminded him that there were no busses that dropped off passengers on unmarked farm to market roads in the country and that if not for me and my ride he would have not even had the opportunity to pick any damn shrooms. A heated argument ensued.

I hate cheats and liars. All of the sudden I was pissed. I felt a show of force would be necessary to remind my associate about the particulars of our agreement. I thought about pulling over and just dropping his ass off on the side of the highway. That however seemed too cruel. I considered just kicking his ass. That however may have been easier said than done as he was quite a bit bigger in stature than I and he had attended school at a military academy which was notorious for producing hard dudes. Instead I chose the hostage route. As we were arguing he had the sack in his hand. I quickly made my move. I grabbed the bag of goods and held it stiff armed out the window of the speeding car. I told him that if he didn't assent to the terms of our original agreement that I would drop the bag onto the highway and just keep on truckin. I ransomed my portion of the bounty for the assured safety of all we had collected. I guess I must have looked serious cause Jackson soon changed his tone and suddenly remembered the stipulations of our partnership. I pulled the bag back inside feeling relieved that I didn't have to follow through with my threat. I kept the bag at my feet until we got back to the dorm.

When we returned we went straight up to Jackson's room where we split the spoils equally. He made the piles and I picked. It was late. I gave Jackson my best stink-eye and said goodnight. I would never trust him again. He thought he could hornswaggle me. You gotta keep your eye on some folks. People will try to put in on you. Jackson got kicked out of the dorms just a few days later and I never saw him again.

With my portion of the mushrooms I made a terrible tasting tea. A lot of my pile withered in the night and when I got a chance to make the tea the next day there weren't that many left. I made the tea and drank it all myself and didn't really trip hard at all. I thought that maybe that little adventure had been a mistake. That happened ten years ago next month. I hadn't thought about that event in ages. And since I have entered it into the annals of my blog I won't ever have to think about it again.

Censorship

I had a discussion with a "friend" the other day,
about how he didn't like it when his name appears in this blog.
This is the first I have heard of such a complaint.
It may not be the last.
It's not as if I used his name and divulged any details about his life.
It's not even that I used his name to talk specifically about him in any way.
His name would come up in this blog like it might come up in regular conversation,
as my writing tends to be quite conversational.

An example might be "...I was over at (blank)'s house when some shit happened."
or "... so I turn to (blank) and said let's eat at Thai Kitchen."
or maybe even "...I was with some people and (blank) was one of them."
Never a description, never a judgment, usually only as an observer or a companion.
I am just trying to maintain a level of candor that I think my smallish audience has come to appreciate.
I sort of meant it as complimentary.

He has an unusual name so its not like I can say "I was talking about the other Ben."
He suggested that I use his popular alias which is a terribly common name,
and would suggest that my world is populated with commoners, which it most certainly is not.
I of course plan to assent to his wishes.
I would rather not mention him at all than use his chosen "regular guy" moniker.
A nick name just doesn't mean much when you give it to yourself.
Like The Deputy for instance.

I mean no (specific) harm with this space.
But I didn't think it would be a problem to mention that I have a friend named (blank) and we were at a certain place at a certain time doing this thing or that thing,
but what do I know.
He tried to explain it but I'm still not sure why he doesn't like being mentioned.
I would understand if I was getting tons of hits,
and it was a possibility that someone in his family might read this space,
and realize that their relative is hanging around that trashy Deputy fellow.
Or I would understand if I was bashing him or saying things that were untrue, or using his full name.
I thought he was a supporter of this endeavor and didn't mind being one of the cast of characters.
I was wrong.
I apologize and will hence forth not mention this individual in any context.

It seemed to me that his main goal in pursuing this line of reasoning,
was to be generally discouraging,
as he often does.

But I have a horrible habit of taking things personally so that might not be the case.

If you are one of these people, whom I consider my friend, and you don't want your name used here on my blog, here on the innernet, shoot me an e-mail at thedeputy@gmail.com

Ben L, Tiffany, Ben P, Ben W, Kelon, Jay, Holly, Holly Hobbins, Tiffany, Amy, Erin, Chris, Amanda, Leah, Mat, Harper, Jeff, Lisa, Royce, Kaya, Kiko, Kiki, Johnny, Tara, Robert, Vimi, Jamison, Jeremiah, Shafer, Lizzie, Justin, Carlos, Joey, Liz, Bob, Shaggy, Angelina, Dave, Amber, Brooke, Euriah, Tim, Nate, or Luke.

**discussion section**
For what reasons should you NOT use the real, first only, names of your friends in your blog?
What could be some of the ill fated consequences?
Has this ever happened to you?

14.1.05

Dollywood?

I just heard the Dolly Parton version of Stairway to Heaven

it sort of ruled.

12.1.05

Savory Now

There's this thing about moment to moment to moment,
You know
the passage of time. There is this thing where
you really only can know about the now. The present.
That moment, that by the time you think about it, it's already gone.
You can really only experience it, and only once.
Then its gone.
But then it's here again.
But there it went.

There was this one time when I was traveling in a strange and far away land.
I was not unaccompanied.
Indeed I had an excellent friend and guide who was native to that place.
I had been away from home for some time.
First a guest in a family home in a great world capitol.
A city that I could hardly comprehend in it's monumentality and granduer.
Then a trip north to another significant place and time.
The Venice of the North, I heard it called.
And it was wonderous and light till late.
And the train ride was epic.
And then a flight to a place by a sea.
A place that tourism had forgotten.
I was attacked by a dog and by my fears.
We were left by our companions,
who had to return to their livelyhoods in that great world capitol.
We were left alone just she and I.
And I somehow felt so far from home and so lost in my ways and means.
And I could hardly enjoy the time I spent with The Princess.
I let the moment slip away.

I let the moment slip away cause I was shortsighted and I gave in to fear.
I wanted to be back to a place where I could hop in my transport,
and know all the streets,and know the best route to the park, or the store, or the way out of town.
I let a precious moment get lived all half ass,
cause I couldn't focus on the beauty and the serendipity of the Now.

I prefer to keep my regrets to a minimum,but I sorely regret that occasion.
I tend to regret most of that wasted time that's not savored or celebrated,
or appropriately appreciated.

11.1.05

Baker Hotel

Yo check it. This is the Baker Hotel, the derelict building that I mentioned in a previous post. This picture gives you some sense of how out of place this building is amongst its humble surroundings.
Desolate
This building gives me the creeps. I would love to buy it and restore it, as it is for sale. But it is in Mineral Wells Tx, not exactly a hub of activity by any stretch of the imagination. Moreover I am in no position to be acquiring and refurbishing commercial real estate ventures as I am a little broke right now.
But hey I get paid on Friday.

Testing

God Hates Republicans.

Discuss

Movies I Missed

Ask Ben, I missed a Lot of great movies in '04.
This is mostly for me but here is the short (and probably incomplete) list of stuff that I missed last year
that I just gotta see.

Spiderman 2
The Passion of the Christ
Shaun of The Dead
Hero
Ghost in the Shell 2
Motorcycle Diaries
Hellboy
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
Sideways
I Heart Huckabees
Garden State

shit, see, I'm really fuckin up.
I used to see all the good movies, but I seem to have been busy doing other stuff. I just can't remember what.

10.1.05

Good News

I just found out that my favorite blogger is going to be here in Austin for SXSW
He has been asked to be on a panel for the interactive conference.
I hope to God that he accepts my proposal to at least meet for a beer.
I want to get my picture taken with him.

Tony, I promise to bring along the cutest chicks that I know.
and I know some hotties.
true

On a "What did you do over the weekend Deputy?" note, well, I drove to Witchita Falls Tx to celebrate my Mom's 50th birthday. That's a five hour drive. I enjoy being from the largest state in the lower 48 but some days, like when I have to drive to visit my family, I wish I was from a smaller state.
But not Delaware.
I listened to John Stewart and the Daily Show gang's America: The Book the audiobook on the way up there, it was frickin hilarious. It was dense enough that I listened to a lot of it again on the way back, I highly recommend it, and the audiobook format was perfect.

Anyways, we had a lovely time celebrating my Mom's Bday. My Mom's house used to be a strictly teetotalling affair, meaning NO BOOZE. My stepdad is kind of a religious guy and he has never been a drinker. My Mom on the other hand would have the occasional margarita or glass of wine if it wasn't for my stickler stepdad. Well it seems that his lack of pulling his own weight as of late has changed my Mom's mind on the subject of no drinking just for the sake of tip-toeing around my his puritanical bs. So long story short, we drank. Well me and my sister and my mom and her friend and her friend's husband all drank. The stepdad didn't touch a drop. This actually all started over Christmas when I just bought a bottle of wine and offered it to my Mom and sister and it was accepted and a glorious new precedent was set that will inevitably effect all holidays from here on out.
Lush

On the way to Witchita Falls on Highway 281 is a town called Mineral Wells. Its a regular shit hole Texas town with a small population and an interestingly deserted downtown area. I love these old downtowns that have this feeling of a long gone hope for the future of the town, that obviously died somewhere along the way and got diverted to a larger area like the DFW metroplex. Mineral Wells has a classic old downtown just like this. It must have held so much promise in the forties and fifties, long before Walmart was around to make sure the death of downtown was inevitable and any renaissance would be impossible. Desolation

One thing that Mineral Wells has that most of these small towns don't is a skyscraper of sorts. I took some pics of my own and I will post them tomorrow but as you can see this is a pretty large building and it is totally abandoned. It towers over the surrounding buildings. Its more than a little spooky. It reminds me of a scene of desolation from an Ayn Rand novel. Why did this building get abandoned? Why was it built? What's on the inside now? These are questions that haunt me as I drive through these places of past hope. This building has all these Spanish elements in a style similar to Lubbock High School. Its really a beautiful structure. Its just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Fascinating

I watched 50 First Dates on HBO last night. Not as funny as some of Adam's other movies, but a good flick nonetheless. The end scene was really heartwarming and it had this time hardened peacekeeper a little teary eyed just in time for bed. Then I had horrible dreams which brewed up a really restless night. Craptastic

6.1.05

Just an Application

Its just an application
It can't control your life
It is simple and yet highly complex
It feins meekness and yet it is powerful and it can kill you

aka ~ The Flash tutorials are frying my brain.

I think I have gotten used to being all stagnant and complacent. I haven't learned anything substantially new in a long time. I am going through a readjustment period where my brain is remembering its sponge-like qualities. That's not exactly true cause I learn new stuff all the time but its more like, I'm going through the motions of my day and I find something that I can improve on or relate better to. Or I read something new in Wikipedia and I'm all, "Okay, that's the new thing that I learned for today, file that there and back to auto-pilot." But to sit down and really apply myself in learning a new application, its fucking zapping my p-ram,
savvy?

This is something that I really want to do. I would like to round out my design portfolio with some web design skills. Then I will be the triple threat ~ print / broadcast / and web design ~ keyaaaah (karate chop). Combine that with my knowledge of sound design (which is amateur at best) and you have yourself a well rounded "design that shit up" mofo, comin atcha. Or at least that's what I'm shooting for.

In the random motif of this week ~
have you ever noticed how things tend to get hella twisted when its late and your brain is tired?
things seem worse than they really are
miscommunications are amplified
concepts that should be simple to articulate get stuck on the tongue and usually get sucked down the wrong pipe like so much wayward saliva.

That shit happens to me all the time.

5.1.05

Beer Flute

Have you ever heard Tiffany play the beer flute?

No?

Well you are missing something my friend, really missing out. Maybe her concert tour will come to a township near you.

New Years Eve was fun. It has taken me five days to write about it. Don't take that as a sign that it sucked. You should merely take that as a symptom of my lazy ass nature. Just a small gathering at the Langenkamp residence. All their friends were out of town and so I had to stack the party with my homies. It was the first time they had met some key members of the Lubbock crew. All went splendidly. We missed all of our loved ones that, for whatever reason, couldn't be with us in that hour of utmost drunkenness. When I get drunk I get really shy. I had all these folks there and I was just sitting in the corner nursing my champagne trying not to make eye contact, a real wallflower I tells ya.

I would post a picture of my date but she wouldn't let me take one. Even when I tried to be sly and catch a candid pic she was somehow able to dodge the shutter with a hand or a cup or just a graceful turn of the head. She and I enjoyed a lovely sushi dinner just before arriving at Ben and Tiff's and she made sure I got to bed safely.

There was one point when we were all in the back yard and Maneesh and Royce and I were trying to play some nighttime badmitton when I had this moment of realizing how drunk I was becoming. And I had this overwhelming sensation that there was nothing I could do about it, like a slide at a waterpark that I hadn't realized I was in line for and I was already fifty feet down the chute and there was no turning back.
Scary, but fun, in a biological alcoholic sense.

I have a hard time understanding these people who don't want to have their picture taken. I enjoy having mine taken. Maybe its my love of posterity, or maybe its my boundless vanity, or maybe its my appreciation of the photographic medium which keeps me coming back for more. One time, at my four year birthday party, I was given a viewmaser. You remember those dontcha? It is that thing that looks like binoculars that you put reels of slides inside and watch the 3d slide show with your stereo vision, human. Well somebody had given me one of those. My mom says that she looked over at one point after all the presents had been opened and there I was standing directly in front of one of my friends who was using the viewmaster and I was posing everytime they punched down the lever to change the slide. Click, vogue, click, vogue, click ~ I thought they were taking my picture and I was just making love to the camera.

But in a really unrelated story, I am learning Macromedia Flash right now. Its kinda complex. The tutorials take a long time but I am determined to master that sucka. I will let you know when I complete an original Flash movie and I will post it and you can tell me how much it sucks.

4.1.05

Self Regulation

Sometimes The Deputy has to regulate himself.

I know what you are thinking. You're thinking, geez Dep don't you have enough trouble just trying to regulate the unruly citizens of the County Gaggaccticca. And well yes that's true. But if I'm not righteous in my own actions and intentions then how can I keep the peace and maintain the forward progress of the society around me? Huh?

Case in point. I have this buddy, this smoking buddy. He is a great friend and can be counted on when The Law is in need of some mota-vation. He is very generous with his ganja and believe it or not that has been the catalyst for a cancer that has been growing in my soul. See I have for too long taken his generosity for granted and not reciprocated when I have known that I should have. I feel terribly for this iniquity and not only am I going to asks Jah's blessed forgiveness in this matter I am also going to try to right this terrible wrong in my lifetime.

I plan to start this reappropriation of buda inhalation by procuring an unspecified amount of grass to bestow upon this friend as New Year's gift. Moreover I am going to start loading bowls tit for tat and not take any 'no you don't have to do that's' for an answer. This will be a beginning on the path to reconciliation of this matter.

If you are another of my friends past or present who have experienced this more selfish side of me I am sorry that I was not able to right these wrongs during our interactions but I reckon better late than never and better here than with others whose bridges have already been burned. I hate burning bridges.

Another important matter of self regulation needs to relate to this space. I am going to have to rededicate myself to these writings. I have found out through time that I am never going to be able to maintain a steady stream of creativity. I realize through trial and error that things such as my writing and my drawing will much like the tides ebb and flow. I should be aware of these things and as soon as I realize that the ebb has become a dry-bottomed harbor with cruise ships resting on the sea floor that I need to be earthquake that causes the tsunami that will not only fill the harbor with creativity but also crash inland and destroy all that has been built up by man and poison all the fauna with the saline content of my creative force.

This is not meant to be insensitive to the victims of the Indian Ocean tsunami, my heart goes out to them, It is just a mixed metaphor using natural processes to illustrate another nature process within my heart. Besides, I am well aware that mother nature giveth and taketh away, you should be aware of this also. It rarefies the peaceful times.

Besides, if you want to get upset about something that happened in 04 that we are still going to be fixing or cleaning up or just paying for the ramifications of in the weeks and months to come there are these things also...
~ retaliation beheading
~ re-elected republican presidents
~ pharmaceuticals with incomplete warnings
~ paris hilton's sexcapades
~ mars rovers
~ mpaa suits
~ fcc crackdowns
~ afghan elections
~ freedom fighter tom foolery (ie insurgent activity)
~ the desolation of positive public opinion about America in the international community
~ racism
~ the aids epidemic continues unabated
~ and many more

Sometimes you have to look out in order to look in.

Character Development